Expensive

In light of all those terribly honest British MPs starting to admit that the sight of them with their snouts in a trough is slightly unedifying, and as a consequence humbly handing back sackfuls of misappropriated expenses (or something like that anyway), I wonder if some of those clowns in black and white shirts would consider doing the same?

Little Mickey O (he used to play for England, you know) owes us for at least a years salary, as do Xisco, Geremi and Alan Smith... As for Barton, he owes us the last three years salary and all his future earnings, wherever he chooses to 'earn' a living. The one that I would have added to this list would have been Viduka, but the performance on Monday may have partially atoned for some of the sackfuls of cash he's had from Newcastle United over the past couple of years.

Roll on Saturday - when the overpaid, underachievers will be playing a team of (comparatively) underpaid, overachievers...

Ornithological flocking

A few years ago I was lucky enough to go on holiday to The Gambia. Apart from it being one of the most beautiful countries in West Africa, it also had the added advantage of further feeding my football obsession, as just about everyone that I met wanted to talk about football in general and English football in particular. It led to some of the most surreal evenings watching football, which I've mentioned before.

However, one of the other things that The Gambia is famous for is its plethora of bird life. From exotic Blue-bellied Rollers to the exotically named Senegal thick-knee (it does exist - and I'll let you insert your own El-Haj Doiuf joke) they all fly around the lush countryside of Gambia. At the hotel I stayed at, the two characters in the photo spent every day going through the bins, looking for scraps to feed off. These Vultures are huge versions of scavenging Starlings, they were also comedic as they would battle each other over a bread roll in the most ungainly scraping since Bowyer and Dyer. As I was on holiday with a couple of Man City fans, these vultures were quickly given the nicknames Dunne and Distin and became woven into the fabric of our two weeks.

It now feels like the Vultures are now circling over SJP, eyeing up whatever can be picked over for entertainment. As ever, the media is there to watch the oncoming train-wreck as they expect Newcastle to stumble to the Championship - but the fact that the next four games are being shown live on TV (as was last weeks Stoke game) seems to be an unhealthy interest. I understand the economics of this - after all Sentana are are going to sell more pay per view games to distraught Toon fans than worried Middlesbrough fans... because there a twice as many of us than the Smogmonsters. However, it does smack a bit of voyeurism. They aren't going to let Newcastle gently fade away - but then again I wouldn't want it any other way.

The Vultures are already starting to pick over the bones of the team as well. The Shearer/Martins spat seems to be a pre-cursor for Obafemi heading to pastures new during the summer. It doesn't take a genius to read between the lines, when the Assistant Manager has to come out and say that everything is really alright with Martins and that he's important to the club. Somehow I'd just bet that Dowie had his fingers crossed behind his back.

You can almost hear the sniggering as they gleefully announce that Viduka is getting ready for his 97th comeback game this season, just in time for the Spurs game - on Sunday. I'd be delighted if the Gregg's worrier scored the goals to keep Newcastle up, but there is as much chance of that happening as the two in the picture turning up in my back garden this afternoon.

Still, I'll have a houseful on Sunday, gathered round the TV, fervently hoping for a Toon win. If the unexpected did happen and Newcastle leave the capital with 3 points then maybe the Vultures will have to circle a little higher, for a week at least.

Pies, Damn Pies, and Statistics

Wigan 2 Toon 1

Well for 70 minutes was groundhog day... Boxing day at Wigan.. Spending the afternoon sandwiched between fully-grown, slightly inebriated, men dressed as Santa (including one guy who seemed to think that Santa wore a hat and boxers... and nowt else. It was freezing and he was tinged with a purple hue by the end of the game), Tweety Pie, Sylvester (the cartoon one, not the disco diva) four Smurfs, Darth Vader (a very weedy Darth at that) and numerous Spidermen. Watching Ryan Taylor score against a woeful Newcastle side and then seeing a spiteful, excessively aggressive Wigan midfield attempt to kick any creativity out of the game. It was as though I was reliving every game for the past four years at the JJB again and again... They say that you don't remember pain, until something painful happens to you again - well I'd say its true, because halfway through the first half, I just knew I'd experienced this level of angst before.

But then, just as I was cursing (which I do loudly and often) my sheer stupidity at trekking to deepest darkest Lancashire to watch the turgid fare that Wigan against Newcastle always is, I think that the referee got bored. I really can't think of any other explanation for Mike Dean's bizarrely erratic decisions towards the end of the game. At first he seemed to be happy to let the game flow (well, it would have done if the players had been up to doing anything as creative at 'flowing') but then Cattermole decided to stamp his authority onto the game.. literally. His actions had already cost Newcastle the services of Barton in the game at SJP, and now he's put Habib Beye out of the game for a considerable period of time. Git. Anyway, Dean decided that a yellow card would suffice.

In the second half Dean got even worse. He decided to give a penalty for a foul that was committed midway inside the half and that the lineman had given a full 20 yards outside the penalty area. Not content with that he sent off Bassong for the foul. Git. He then booked both Duff and Butt for having the gall to point out his ineptness at giving incorrect decisions. Almost as though he wanted to redress the balance, he then gave a penalty for a foul on Andy Carroll for a challenge by Kirkland that most goalkeepers would have gotten away with. But, of course he couldn't be consistent... he just booked Kirkland. Dean's final act of card-happy madness was to book Carroll for being fouled in the penalty area... Now, call me a traditionalist, but isn't that supposed to be a penalty? Double git.

The upshot of Mike 'git' Dean's invention was positive in a small way though - it was the most exciting end to a game at Wigan I've ever seen. Newcastle should have got a point at the end, if only Duff could have remembered that he needed to put the ball between the posts and and not around it. However, the negatives far outweigh any positives - for a team that was defensively light anyway; the loss of Beye, Enrique and Bassong is catastrophic. Liverpool tomorrow must be licking their collective lips and polishing their shooting boots at the thought of coming up against a very makeshift defence.

Wigan is famous for its pies - I assume that's what crossed Viduka's mind as he got halfway through the second half... "Humm, I'm a bit peckish - I think I'll see if the pie shop is open" so he wandered off the pitch and down the tunnel. The chants of "you're not fit to wear the shirt" were sung in anger rather than irony, but works on both levels.

So, thank you Mike Dean and Mark Viduka - 24 hours on and I'm still very angry at both of you. Gits.

Dear Santa

Well, Santa, I'm in a bit of a quandary...

Six games unbeaten and wins in the last two, the giddy heights of 12th place in the league have been attained and I find myself looking up at possible top ten place before the start of 2009. I'm also still in a state of shock that the goal scorers today were N'Zogbia and Duff - and I almost fainted when I saw the highlights and discovered that not only did Viduka play for 50 mins, but he also created the winner. Not only that but we've beaten Spurs, and I've just seen a dejected 'Arry Rednapp interview... Which has brought me a suprising amount of Christmas cheer.

So, Mr Claus, I'm in the habit of of asking for the 3 points on Boxing Day at Wigan (see last years list ) and I'm wondering if I should ask for something different this year. By my reckoning I've been to see Newcastle V Wigan four times and I've never seen us win.. in fact I've never seen us play even remotely well at the JJB.

So rather than ask for the traditional 3 points against Wigan from Father Christmas, I'm going to ask for a cracking game, a team display and JFK's happy face on the telly afterwards. I'm taking the Favourite Nephew to this match for his Xmas pressie... (But he doesn't know yet, so don't tell him... ) I just hope at 5.00pm on Friday he thanks me for it.

Thanks Santa

PMT

Oh, I've got it so bad - I'm irritable, can't concentrate, and I've got a slight headache just behind my eyes... The cause of this? Pre-Match Tension. Tomorrow against Birmingham is going to be the most important game of the season for us, bar none.

Needless to say the press knives are sharpening again, stories about Viduka falling out with Keegan, about plans to replace Keegan, about Man City wanting Owen (have him, please, EMO can then be your problem) All nonsense, of course, but it all manages to increase the pressure and fills more column inches.

I was tempted to write that tomorrow will be our cup final - but we always lose them. So, I just say thanks to Chelsea for keeping the mackems in their rightful place - just below us, here's hoping that Wigan do the same later today against Bolton. Mostly I just want to see 31 points against our name in the paper on Tuesday morning .

Howay the lads

Give us a break!

Stoke City 0 Toon 0

Well it was a grim night in the Potteries on Sunday - no goals, no class, no invention. Just a blood and guts (well, to be more accurate mud and rain) cup tie. The Toon got just what they deserved from it - nowt.

As usual Taylor gave his all, Faye was the best defender in black and white. However, Owen was hopeless and Viduka clueless. A damning indictment of his contribution is that Andy Carroll came on for him with 10 mins to go and won more headers and made more of an impact than Viduka did in the whole game - from a player who has spent most of the season so far on Preston North End's bench.

So its a replay - at least we've got further this season than the mackems... So what has been our 'reward' for this - if we get past Stoke in the replay (and that's not a given, remember Birmingham last year?) we get Arsenal, away in the next round... Jinxed or what? Still I suppose its better than going out to Oldham or Huddersfield.

Another interesting by product of not loosing to Stoke is that Allardyce is still in a job - and is starting to buy players... Albeit youngsters - so the Ashley purse stings have been loosened to an extent.

Easy game on Saturday - should be 3 points.. only Manure away to beat....

Savage Amusement

Toon 2 - Derby County 2


Bloody awful - from a team who are so bad that the only have six points by mid December, the Toon managed to make then look like bloody world beaters. I never thought I'd be saying this, but thanks to Mark Viduka - it was only thanks to him that we managed to scrape a draw.

Shocking, disgraceful and woeful - and that was just the back four... The midfield was hapless and upfront we had a striker playing right wing, a left winger playing left back and a right winger playing on the left wing... confused? Well I was... If Allardyce is a tactical genius then I'm Rudolf the red nosed reindeer.

Only cheery thing this weekend has been the mackems loosing to Reading to a non-goal... Well, I laughed.

England's Michael Owen

So - the baby faced goal scoring machine isn't going to be turning out in the black & white stripes for another 4-6 weeks. Deep joy. Why is this? Another injury picked up playing in a meaningless friendly for his country... As the wonderful Biffa said "if this wasn't so tragic it would be comical"

He was made captain for the game against the mackems and looked completely ineffective. You could argue that he was being played out of position, but then again for £100k + a week I'd expect him to play in goal if asked.

So, I've carped on a bit about him not playing for us - yet again... But I must admit that part of me is a little bit pleased. Oba and the Big Aussie to put Owen's ex-employers to the sword next Saturday anyone???

Off for a lie down in a dark room now, time for my medication