A slice of life

I went shopping today.... in deepest darkest Salford. In the typical August pouring rain I trudged from shop to shop getting provisions (Bear with me this does have a point - and I'll eventually get to it) I ended up at the local butchers - one of those traditional butchers shops with the striped awning outside and the butchers wear starched white coats, and they sell all types of indescribable offal.

Needless to say the usual banter ensued, after they had called me a vegetarian (only in a butchers could that be an insult, because I shuddered at being offered black pudding); they then started in on another of my weak spots... Newcastle United... As ever there was the bitterness that Shearer didn't sign for Manure - which manifests itself as "How many medals did he win with your lot then?" and then some typical gloating - "So how many times has your lot won the double then?" And then the killer question - "So how are Newcastle going to do this season then?" Oddly enough without a second thought, my witless retort was "Relegated: Championship here we come"

It could be gallows humor, it could be false bravado - but actually it just feels like realism. Newcastle flirted with the lower reaches of the table last season and I really don't see what has altered to make it different for the coming season. Allardyce has been run out of Toon, Emre has moved back to Turkey - but other than that little else has altered. We still are paying the injury prone EMO a small fortune every week, Viduka is still on the books and unlikely to play more than 10 games all season, Damien Duff hasn't joined the Irish invasion of sunderland and worst of all, they've let Joey 'bloody' Barton out of prison.

Still only a week to wait until it all starts again. Can't wait...

By the way - I'm I the only one to notice the resemblance between our proposed new central defender; Fabricio Coloccini, and Michael Bolton??

Texting Tales

With a flurry of beeps and vibrations the conversations this week have been going something like this...

Tickets on sale on Monday u goin?

Yup - I'll have 2

I'm on hols

I'm not botherin - no point

How much? Its on the tv

£41!!! Jeez... Nah, I'm not goin

I'm on hols as well!!!

So for our "Season Opener" (© Sky TV, the inventors of football) half the people I know aren't going, due to holidays, the price of the ticket or general apathy. Admittedly, the opposition don't help, its Manure again. A humiliation twice last season with an aggregate score of 11 conceded and one scored, doesn't instill confidence does it?

The exchanges above brought to mind a series of articles in The Guardian a few years ago that have stuck in my mind. They were called "Football, the game that ate itself" The general hypothesis was that corporate greed was destroying the sport and it would all implode in on itself. That was written in 2004 and was perhaps a little early. However, I wonder if this season will see the start of the decline? As the economic situation worsens one of the first things that can be sacrificed is the £70-80 needed to fund a trip to an away ground. Not that falling attendances will cause football to implode, as we all know, fans at the game are a mere inconvenience to the TV scheduler and corporate advertisers on who's money The Premiership is built.

Still, I'll be going... Why? Firstly, I can walk there from my house, and secondly there might just be the chance that I can say "I was there the first time Newcastle beat Manure since the invention of the electronic scoreboard". It won't happen of course, but blind optimism is a pre-requisite of any Newcastle United fan.

So another season of mediocrity beckons - Toon on the Telly last night. Sultana Sports treated us to Hertha Berlin V Newcastle in the Majorca Cup. For a start, the Majorca Cup sounds like a 18-30 vomiting contest and I'm sure that Hertha Berlin was some war time code name for a Mata Hari. However, I settled on the sofa last night to watch 'the lads' entertain me.

It was woeful. Newcastle lost.

In fact, it was so bad I went and washed up halfway through the second half.

Roll on August 17th

False Dawns and Earthquakes

Well, after what seems like 15 mins break, the pre-season is here... Woo hoo... A chance for the NUFC super new signings to get a run out in the famous black and wh.... errr, no hang on... Purple shirts (just who in the marketing dept thought Purple was a good colour?? I'd have liked to have seen the market testing on that one... lemme guess, they didn't do any) Its a friendly against the mighty Hartlepool.

I gave up going to friendlies years ago - most of the time when its a competitive game the players don't seem to care much, so why I should be bothered to turn up when it isn't even competitive? Anyway, home of the Monkey Hangers isn't top of my preferred holiday destinations. I'd be willing to bet one of our 'stars' will suffer some catastrophic injury (a la Shearer v Everton) so at least its good news that EMO isn't sullying his boots with a trip to Cleveland (something about a minor knock apparently)

And as for the super new singings -ermmm that'll be a challenge. Danny Guthrie and Jonas Gutierrez - still it'll be interesting to see where they fit in. Shame that we didn't succeed in getting Pablo Aimar - but at least we've been spared the Evening Chronicle headline "Why Aimar"....

Finally - so many thanks to Younes Kaboul's agent... For giving me the best laugh all week. If you haven't seen the comments, have a look.


Roll on 17th August

Ambition

Another out of season week trundles by...with a new signing and more rumours about a change in ownership.

I got a text from the lady in the picture (advertising that famous Geordie firm of solicitors) this week "I c we've signed Danny Guthrie - b still my beating heart" Apart from the impressive use of irony in a text message, it shows how little impact the summer signings this season have had on the fan base thus far.

Guthrie is a Liverpool cast off (albeit, a decent player from what I can remember) who did well at Bolton, but has no doubt come to the North East for higher wages than Bolton were prepared to offer him. That said, he's a young player and will be excellent replacement (or cover) for banged-up Barton. Hopefully he'll be keen to impress and maybe will be the type of player that we thought that we were getting when millions were shelled out for Scott Parker.

The signings so an interesting approach to ambition. A more frugal and pragmatic approach seems to be pervading in the transfer market at the moment. Perhaps this is Mike Ashley's period of retrenchment, or perhaps he's just got to the bottom of that money pit now and is skint!

Whatever the cause, the effect will be interesting to watch next season - I'd guess the aim will be to get to a European spot (fair play league anyone??) and then some of the rumours about the club being sold may become more solid.

Oh... one more thing. Last week I mused about Ashley being the Joker... I'm still not sure - but if you haven't seen it have a look at this interview in The Guardian - the jury is still out

Superhero(es)

After the holiday period that was the European Championships the merry-go-round has started up again at the SJP funfair.

First of all we have signed a player (allegedly) - a certain Jonas Gutierrez, a winger who is right -footed and an Argentinian international. Good news on the face of it (as long as Milner stays...), except that his former club (before Real Mallorca) are claiming that they have some ownership rights and want some additional compensation - so it may not be as clear cut as it first appeared. Still, on the same day sunderland gave Dwight Yorke a one year extension to his existing contract, shows the depth of ambition, eh??

Next came Barton's case for assault against Dabo. A small bit of common sense prevailed (or more likely a plea bargain), he altered his plea to Guilty and as a result got a suspended sentence. As I've said before, I've no idea what the club will do with him. He'll be out in a couple of weeks apparently, and my view is that Newcastle United should get rid of him... but we can't afford to 'waste' a £6m 'asset'. The wallet will rule the head.

Then, Steven Taylor signed a improved 3year contract. That has to be good news - he's a future England captain, not yet the finished article, but a player of real class who will become better as he matures. He reminds me of Tony Adams at the same age, a tenancy to do daft things, but will grow and improve. Just the type of player Newcastle United need to hang onto and cultivate.

Finally, more media rumblings about Mike Ashley selling up again. This time either to a US based Private Equity Company or Osama Bin Laden's family.... You couldn't make it up... If Gutierrez' nickname is Spiderman - then lets hope that Ashley's is The Joker.... Cos someone must be winding up the press

Globalisation

This week I've spent some time in Dublin, I was lucky enough to go there with work, and then I tagged on a couple of days afterwards in order to have a look around and see what the city had to offer. As is so typical with me, the weather was bloody awful - almost constant rain, which curtailed my wanderings somewhat. So, I ended up doing all sorts of cultural things National Museum of Ireland, National Gallery of Ireland, Dublin Writers Museum. All of which I enjoyed, but still left me with time on my hands and starting to develop trench foot. So, I look refuge in a bookshop on O'Connell St - and as is my wont, I gravitated to the sports section.

I expected to find the football section stuffed with books on the glory of the Republic's world cup exploits and Manure books... I was wrong. Shelf after shelf of books on sunderland, Roy Keane and Niall Quinn. They seem to have transported the mackems from the North East of England to somewhere near County Mayo. I'd joked in the past about the mackems being full of Irish Manure rejects, but I was bewildered to see that the Irish seem to have taken them to their hearts. I'm starting to wonder when they will actually alter the strip from red and white to green and white... I'd bet that might be a safe option for an away strip (after all they won't be needing a European strip will they?)

So, as I flew back (via a spectacular thunderstorm at Manchester airport - gulp) I started to think about the power of the brand of football in general and the Premier League in particular.

A couple of years ago I watched Champions League semi finals in a bar in the Gambia in West Africa. An amazing atmosphere as both games were being shown, on big screens, side by side. So you'd have your eye caught by one game and then something else on another one. I think it was Chelsea v Liverpool and Manure v Roma. At one stage Rooney scored, half the place erupted with excited Gambians cheering for their chosen team - the guy in front of me had a Chelsea shirt on, which as soon as Rooney scored he tugged over his head to reveal a Manure shirt with the number 8 on the back. We laughed and made jokes with him about hedging his bets.

But all these examples show the way in which football spans countries and continents, its not just who owns the clubs, the nationality of the player that attract people to the game. Its the universal power of the brand that attracts people to the game. So the Dublin taxi driver as well as the barman in Banjul all ask "Will Keegan actually win anything for Newcastle?" The honest answer is probably not, but at least I was able to tell the taxi driver that we had finished above the mackems in the league for the longest time.

BTW - the picture above is James Joyce... I haven't read the Dubliners since I did my degree - this last week has encouraged me to re-read...

Prophetic

Ok - I'm not claiming any special insight, any level of clarivoyancy or insider dealing... But what on earth is going on with the fixture list for the Premier League? If I can predict that on Boxing Day Newcastle will be playing Wigan or Bolton away... and it comes true, then there certainly is a rabbit off somewhere. I always thought that there was supposed to be a level of randomness about the fixtures - another myth blown away by the TV needs. Don't get me wrong, I live in the North West and the relative ease of getting to a Boxing Day at Wigan (as has happened this year) is fine with me, its the predictable nature of it that bothers me.

The season "curtain raiser" (© Sky TV) is at Manure... Oh well we'll have the same amount of points after that game as we had before... I wonder if we can manager to have a goal difference of less than minus 5 after that game. At least it looks like we'll be able to gently comment on the loss of Riverdance to Madrid... Some comfort at least