eat sleep drink Toon

Charity Shield

2011-08-08T08:21:00.004+01:00

Leeds United 3 Toon 2

Oh, Leeds was grim, but in a fun type of way. It's that remembered pain, the returning toothache, the headache that you can't quite shift - all of those sum up supporting the Toon. The game was 'wrong' in so many ways... Brilliant sunshine, NUFC playing in Orange (one of the amusing chants was "are you Blackpool; in disguise?", half-hearted players. But the result was the same, the Toon coming up against a team who just wanted it more..

I'd said before the game I was looking forward to seeing Cabaye and Marveaux, needless to say only one of them made an appearance. However, Cabaye looked promising and Pardew certainly seems to like him. The highlight of the game for me, was Haris Vuckic. When he came on in the second half, he (and is orange boots) lit up the pitch - loads of busy, bluster and a good goal as well. I'm sure I'd seen him for the Toon before, but he seems to have grown about 6 inches and put on a bit more bulk. He looked desperate to impress, it will be interesting if he gets a chance early season to get on the pitch. Give me Haris over Nile Ranger any day.

Most of the game wandered by in a blur of laughter and dissapointment. Partiluarlrly amusing was the away supporters reaction to a 'robust' challenge by Leeds Ross McCormack. Given that this was a friendly and only squad numbers and not names appeared on shirts - can there be anything worse than being abused by your squad number? For a full match report, from a proper website, see here - like most of the players, I can't be bothered to go into details.

However, in the last week since that game, things have got, well, interesting at NUFC. Firstly Barton spits his dummy out (again). Starts using Twitter to have a pop at Ashely and Co. Now, as I may have mentioned, I"m not a fan of Ashley (only EMO falls lower in my personal pecking order) but to me the recent actions of Barton seem to be him maneuvering his contract discussions to some sort of resolution. It will be either a 'on your way, son' or happy smiles as he has a new contract in his mitts. Either way, he'll get what he wants - more money... I did like his tweeting of Smiths lyrics though, although the Smiths lyric that has most often rattled around my mind when reading the guff he's been spouting is "Frankly Mr Shankly"

Frankly, Mr Shankly, since you ask
you are a flatulent pain the arse
I do not mean to be so rude
but still, I must speak frankly, Mr Shankly, give us money

And then of course, we get back to the on the pitch antics. Surely not much could go wrong with a friendly with an Italian Serie A side?? Wrong - only the Toon could have a game rained off at the start of August. What next - a plague of locusts?

Still, at least football is back on the telly, and it all starts in earnest next week. I saw some of the Community Shield game - but that got me pondering, why did it change its name? Ever since I can recall, the first 'proper' match of the season is the Charity Shield. However, for some reason, this has been altered to Community Shield.. No idea why...

That said, I've been thinking about charity a lot this week - if you haven't seen it have a look at http://www.rungeordierun.com/. I've been following this blog for some time, and Mark Allison's inspirational run across the US in 100 days, to raise money for two deserving causes. As I'm typing this he's painfully close to the finish line on day 100, but its been hard work for him. He's looking to raise £50k for the charities - about the average weekly wage of a premiership player from one of the top four clubs. There is something so wrong with that. Still, Mark has been doing a sterling job and he's almost there... If you can spare a couple of quid, I can't think of many better places to put it. Go on, you know you want to.

Howay the lads

Starting over

2011-07-31T08:17:00.004+01:00

Sunday morning. It's warm, no strike that its hot, humid even and I'm awake early. As is my custom I start planning the days tasks. Mundane stuff, cleaning, washing, ironing, going to the match, shopping... [Comedy double take moment] Going to the match... in July, surely not! Quite a few years ago I swore that I'd never go to another pre-season friendly... Lots of reasons why, mainly because its an waste of money and petrol to attend a pointless, meaningless kick-about in the sun. Its the pointlessness of it all, combined with the sure knowledge that the one meaningful tackle that goes in will completely knacker your most important player for at least half of the season... Shearer at Everton anyone?

That said, some of my funniest moments have come at some of the friendlies. I can vividly recall the chemically inebriated chaps in front of me at Burnley about 10 years ago, wondering how the players could concentrate with the dragon coming out of the centre circle... And no, it wasn't Nicky Butt.

So why are myself, the Favourite Nephew and the New Mum heading to Elland Road this afternoon? Part of it is to see what has happened to the team. I get the sense of a changing of the guard at NUFC at the moment. Some of the stalwart players have wandered away. Nolan will be a big loss in terms of his leadership, but he was getting slower by the day, and hardly a box-to-box midfielder. All the noises from Jose suggest he's on his way to join the likes of Carroll and his mackem mate at Liverpool, which will be a shame, but I can't blame him. The other 'new' players like Gosling and Ben Arfa will make a difference to the team. Its changing, as it should in order to avoid that 'difficult second season syndrome'. To me it felt like most of last season was a lot easier than I expected, and I suspect, a lot easier than NUFC expected. Staying in the Premiership wasn't really in doubt. The reason for this, was that a number of teams where in even greater disarray than the Toon... Odd sensation wasn't it? West Ham were a joke (possibly something to do with the number of ex-Toon players on their books), Blackpool were all bluster and enthusiasm, until they got found out... and Birmingham just had too many of our ex-players on their books as well.

Anyway, I have a frisson of excitement this morning. I'm looking forward to seeing the new players - especially Sylvain Marveaux and Yohan Cabaye, seeing what they can bring to the team. Also, it will be good to see Gosling and Ben Arfa... Oh, hang on - he got injured in a meaningless friendly last week didn't he?? Hear that noise? That's the sound of my case being rested.

Howay the Lads, lets see what jollity we can have this season...

One of our own

2010-12-27T14:18:00.009Z

Interestingly, Pardew seems to be starting to have an effect at SJP. The logical place to start was with the players (ignoring the decision to take on Steve Stone as assistant coach - personally I think he's been taken on as a translator for Pardew... but, doubt he'll have quite a glittering career as Jose Mourinho) Staying put signs put over the names of both Carroll and Barton, as well as the news that Steven Taylor has just signed at new 5 and a half year contract (hummm... that period of time sounds familiar, doesn't it....). Needless, to say there is no news on how much the contact is worth - but, part of me is really pleased that Taylor wants to stay on Tyneside, rather than moving to pastures new. He's spent much of the last five years being the chest-thumping, warrior.

At times looking like the natural successor to John Terry - all passion, heart and sweat for the cause. A real captain in the making and heart-on-sleeve soul of the club. However, at other times he's looked like the successor to Titus Bramble - slow, ponderous and poor decision making. Also, he's had a a couple of years when he's suffered a lot with injuries - a persistent shoulder injury, along with aggravating Andy Carroll leading to getting his jaw broken, has meant that he's been a bit part player for the past couple of seasons.

I guess he's typical of the ying and yang of many players, some good points and some bad. He's never been afraid to put his head in, either to stop a goal, or to score a few as well. He's given us some fantastic comedy moments - such as the below

He's also been advised poorly, in my view... Paul Stretford ( Rooney's agent) has managed to contradict that NUFC-loving image by driving such a hard bargain during the contract negotiations for his client that Taylor has effectively spent the last 6 months on the transfer list. I, for one don't recall reading about a rush of clubs bidding for him. No doubt Taylor has an increase on the weekly wage - but it has damaged his standing amongst the fans. I wonder what price there really is on that type of public image?

But, ultimately he is one of ours... I'm pleased he is staying, but feel that he has much to prove over the rest of this season. I don't think that he's going to be the next captain of England (or even Newcastle United) but I'll be pleased if he really does stay for the term of this contract. However, I'm not convinced that he will. In the same way that I doubt that Pardew will see out his contract either.

Lack of Class

2010-12-11T07:37:00.008Z

In my younger days I had a part time job in a print shop. It was a largely un-rewarding job, but I got to play with some new gadgets. I was shown how to do all sorts of exciting things, such as bind documents, use the high speed photocopier and laminate signs and posters. Needless to say binding wasn't much fun (I can recall wrecking one students thesis) and, beyond the obvious, photocopying was dull. However, the laminating machine led to all sorts of hilarity... This included getting various photos enlarged and making them more 'solid' than previously as they became poster sized. I only did one for myself...I can still remember it vividly. Shearer and Ferguson celebrating a goal, with the words "Form is temporary: Class is permanent" emblazoned across the bottom. I think I'd particularly liked it as it was at the time that Shearer was getting a tough time from the English press about him not being good enough to play for Eng-er-lund.

Roll forward 20-plus years and I was reminded of this moniker again, but this time the inverse. Mike Ashley has demonstrated time and time again that he lacks understanding of how to effectively communicate with his 'customers' and the sacking of Chris Hughton was another example of this. As a consumer of brand NUFC, it appeared to me that the football team was getting some stability, that the team - was starting to play like a team. The results were mixed, but it felt like the team was going in the right direction. The key to this was the continuity that had been given by the management team - Hughton and Calderwood appeared to have been doing a good job, with limited resources. As a watcher of the business of Newcastle United, it also appeared that Hughton was doing a fair job, mid-table and regular TV revenue coming in, combined with the asset that is Andy Carroll, being nurtured and therefore his value (both in terms of transfer value and marketing value) increasing.

But, obviously this wasn't enough for the owners of both the business and the brand. The reasons for the supporters as to why he was sacked are spurious. But perhaps the business ones aren't. I'd guess that Hughton was asking for money to shore up the depth of the team, that the money wasn't available or his choices deemed incorrect. From a cost perspective, Hughton will have been a lot cheaper to sack than either Allardyce or Keegan. So, as ever Ashley fails to communicate with his punters and the inevitable conclusion is drawn... he's got no class, and his form is temporary.

As a demonstration of Ashley's temporary form, he got lucky with Pardew's first game. Beating a sub-standard Liverpool team might have looked good on paper. It might have lessened the volume and nature of the protests against Hughton's sacking for that game. But, the cracks are still visible and unless some investment is made in the playing squad Ashely's lack of class with the dismissal of someone who appeared to be a genuinely decent man - and a good communicator; will come home to roost.

Transitional

2010-11-20T06:17:00.008Z

"Its been an odd season so far" That's one of those understatements that is ludicrously simplistic. From the inevitable loss at Manure at the start of the season to the unbelievable high of 5under1and (as henceforth they shall be known) on Halloween its been one hell of a roller coaster of a season so far. I, like many others, would have been happy to see the Toon finish 17th this season, consolidate after the shock of the Championship and then start to rebuild. Of course, then came along Villa at home, and expectations were raised a little, then my personal favourite, the delight of the trip to Goodison and the ambitions grew a bit more. Finally, after the result at Highbury, errrrr.... Emirates, Newcastle United were dizzily in 5th place in the table.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not that delusional. I know that reality isn't so much going to bite, as take a chunk out of the collective backside of the club. Mid-table is as far as my ambitions for the team go to now. Usually, this would mean a season of relative mediocrity, a few scrappy wins and a greater number of draws than usual. Not so with NUFC - how can it be with a 6-0 and 5-1 wins at home, and even last weeks 0-0 against Fulham wasn't two teams settling for the draw at the outset... It was just one of those games when Newcastle couldn't manage to score.

At the outset of the season Newcastle were supposed to be in transition, I'd said that I thought this would be a big season for Andy Carroll (well, I got that right - and England call up and so far he's managed to stay out of jail), that Kevin Nolan was too slow to cut it in the Premiership (wrong - I still think he's too slow; but he is the heartbeat and brains of the team) that Sol Campbell was a mistake (wrong - he's hardly played, but when he did against Man City he was commanding) and that we'd need more bite and creativity in the midfield (right - but that was before Tiote was signed). So, if this is transition then I'm really enjoying it... Thanks lads

Today, brings Bolton Wanderers - I've been numerous times to the Reebok, and never yet seen a good game. The mists of time make most of these games roll into one, but I have memories of Dabizas getting sent off after about a minute, of Steven Taylor's debut and getting shoved out of the way for the only goal of the game; and most of all the annoying windowlicker that brings that bloody drum to each home game. Bolton have always been a team of stiflers (is that a word?) more intent on stopping other teams playing than being creative themselves. An effective tactic that has prevented relegation over the past ten years, but dull to watch. However, today might be different, Owen Coyle as a manager seems to have altered the ethos of the team - and they are starting to look a better side. By a happy coincidence of the fixture calendar, it's the Favourite Nephew's 17th birthday this weekend. I hope its a good one for him...

Howay the Lads

PS - I can predict sales of the above DVD topping 50,000 in Newcastle but maybe not quite as high on Wearside... I'll have to get a copy, for those rain-sodden Sunday's when there is just nothing on the telly and you really need cheering up...

Team Ethic

2010-09-25T07:15:00.004+01:00

Everton 0 Toon 1

Blimey - is an underused word, but it seems to be the most appropriate word to sum up NUFC over the past week. The last time we had the joys of celebrating two away wins in a week in the top division seems like it was in the pre-war days (the Iraq war, that is) the last time NUFC won at Stamford Bridge was during the last recession and the last time Toon won 4-3, as opposed to losing by the same scoreline, was when footballers walked to the ground, had real jobs, and handlebar moustaches.... Still, I wasn't fortunate enough to be a Chelsea on Wednesday evening, but I was at Goodison Park on Saturday to witness an away win on Merseyside for the first time since before the invention of the fourth official. Blimey.

There were several notable things about the win on Saturday... It also had an old fashioned feel to the game, but that will have been mainly due to a 3.00pm kick off on a Saturday and the wooden bench seats. As an aside, how on earth do they get away with having such a dilapidated ground? One of the funniest incidents was seeing an older gent handing a steward the back of one of these wooden seats, pointing out that it wasn't an act of vandalism that had broken it, but woodworm. Actually, the funniest moment for me was finally hearing the Coloccini song in full throttle sung by 2500 delirious fans....

After reflecting for a week on the performance I've concluded that the main difference was that for the first time in about five years the squad played as Newcastle United, and functioned as a team. Some of the team ethic has been instilled as a result of adversity, those players to stayed after relegation had a point to prove. Some of it has arisen out of sheer bloody mindedness, a desire to prove the doubters wrong; NUFC aren't just going to implode and go away. However, most of it is due to a determination that no one is bigger than the club itself, no huge star players, no one playing for themselves - just a group of 11 (or so) all pulling in the same direction and getting results. It felt good. It felt like football should be.

The result was all the more gratifying as we witnessed a fantastic match winning goal from Hatem Ben Arfa, (has anyone else noticed that he looks a bit like the bastard offspring of Laurent Robert?) saw a debut from someone who does for 90 mins what Nicky Butt showed us in flashes for the past two years, Cheick Tiote take a bow... Adding in two new personalities to a team could have really disrupted the balance and make up, but it didn't appear to do so at Everton.

I also need to apologise, I was wrong. Way back in 2007, I commented that the young left back that NUFC had signed from Spain wasn't good enough. I made lots more earthy, vociferous comments at games as this player seemed to be out of his depth in the English league. His first season was error strewn, he was slow and often made an incorrect decision. In my defence I think my views were coloured by a litany of overpriced and poor defenders, and I lumped Jose Enrique in with those mercenaries. Over the last three years his confidence has grown, he has adjusted to the pace of the game and has become the most outstanding performer for the team. Most of all, he stayed when other non-UK players started their exodus after relegation. A real team player. Jose, Jose, Jose.... indeed.

Sunday brings on the cloggers from the Potteries. I expect Wolves Mark II - it ain't going to be pretty.

Howay the lads

Back to the Past

2010-09-04T07:34:00.004+01:00

Wolves 1 Toon 1

Bank holidays. Always a strange concept. An extra long weekend when the roads become clogged with stressed families determined to make for a busy patch of beach to 'enjoy' themselves on. Chuck into this mix a couple of million folk heading to sporting events that won't wait to start until you arrive and you have the recipe for disaster. With full knowledge of this we set off for Wolverhampton last weekend.

Of course one of the joys of the bank holiday traffic is that you get plenty of opportunity to people watch your fellow travellers. As I was cutting short a holiday in Scotland to go to Wolverhampton (I bet that's not a sentence that's been written very often) I had added people watching time. One of the things that made me smile was the number of Hell's Angels on Harley's that wove their way successfully through the roadwork stymied queues. I guess their must have been a Harley Davidson convention somewhere in the North, judging by the number of riders heading south. After seeing the first few throaty roars in my rear view mirror, and getting over the jealousy of them getting past me, I was struck by the average age of the riders. They all looked as though they were at an age to have been old enough to see Easy Rider when it was first released, at the cinema, without having to lie about their age... It's not a young man's game - alternative culture.

The theme for the day was set - driving into Wolverhampton we'd joked about needing to put on flares to fit in... It wasn't quite like that but the game had a definite 'old school' feel to it. Both teams had heydays in the past, both clubs struggling to re-invent themselves in the current climate and both sets of players using tactics that haven't been seen for a few years. For the Toon, the main tactic was to lump the ball to Carroll as often as possible (by the way, maybe its just me - but Carroll seems to have grown by a foot since last season) and hope that he could batter his way through the defence. However, Wolves tactics consisted wholly of giving Barton a good kicking to see if he would loose his temper. It was apparent from the kick off - and continued until the final minute. This was interesting for a couple of reasons, firstly it didn't work... but they didn't alter the tactic. Secondly, Wolves obviously thought that this was the only way to beat Newcastle. Why? Hadn't they seen how Manure had ripped into us a couple of weeks before - using pace and width? Obviously they weren't imaginative enough to take this approach. So, it felt that we were watching a game from the 80's as lumps were taken from various Toon midfielders, accompanied by the shrill sound of the refs whistle.

One of the more bewildering chants from the Wolves faithful, was "Your going down with the yam-yams" No one around me had a clue what this 'insult' could mean. However, as someone who is lucky enough to work in the West Midlands, I was able to translate that they may just be referring to their near neighbours from West Bromwich. Looking around the crowd in the Toon end also struck me as this was an 'older' crowd than normal. More beer bellies and greying temples than young knacker-jacks having their first alcopops. We speculated on why... Maybe its just that travelling to away games on a bank holiday weekend also isn't a young man's game.

Angry Mob

2010-08-14T06:37:00.009+01:00

A week later than last year the merry-go round is about to start again. About a month ago my phone started its text chirrup with messages like "Wolves away - I'll go if you'll drive" and "How much for the Manure tickets?!? I'm not going" as plans start to be made, familiar grounds revisited, friendships that have been on hold for the summer re initiated.

All the fun of the fair starting again as NUFC join the "elite" clubs in the "top flight". Obviously, there are some advantages to being back in the Premiership, not least of which is the wadge of money that the club will receive from the TV, which probably help to keep the club afloat. There are also some disadvantages to this elevated status, not least of which is the price of the tickets - away tickets now routinely cost over £40, so the cost of a few away games increases as the likelihood of seeing Newcastle win away decreases (not that this puts me off, which probably says more about my psyche than anything else). The other disadvantage is that the press as turned its attention to the club and Newcastle become the comedy club of the Premiership again.

Some of the recent 'news' has been quite fair. The club seem to have managed to sign a player on a free from another Premiership club who have made a mess of his contract negotiations, have managed not to sack any players/managers/club officials over the summer and therefore have stayed quite quiet for the start of the season, with a notable exception - Sol Campbell. I have mixed feelings about Campbell joining the Toon. He's not a player that would have been on the top of my list for defensive cover for the season. I, and many, others remember Ian Rush turning up in a Black and White shirt for a season, which was a signing of Kenny Dalglish's mate and an unmitigated disaster. Campbell is Hughton's friend, has moved to the North East and there is a feeling that he's turning up just for the money. That said, he was a decent defender and no doubt some of the other players could learn from him.

Still, none of that comes into play when the press get hold of a photo, which shows that he may not be in peak physical condition. Apparently, this has whipped up the fury on the message boards and therefore none of the of the fans want him to play.... Now call me old fashioned, but I really want to reserve judgement on players until I've actually seen him pull on the club shirt and kick a ball in anger (actually, remembering Pancrate last season I'd like to give him 3 or 4 games). But, then again why let a few facts get in the way of poking the laughing stick at Newcastle United again.

To slightly misquote Leeds finest band...

We are the Angry Mob
We read the papers every day
We like who they like
Hate who they hate
Were all so easily swayed

I have a solution to this... Don't read the papers, don't buy 'em and ignore the nonsense that permeates through other media sources.... And they wonder why the newspaper industry is on its knees?

Actually, the real reason that the newspaper is on its knees is the change from physical to digital, so we are going through a time of change as business models are disrupted. One of the consequences of this is that I'm unable to link to a snippet that I found genuinely funny last week. The Sunday Times last week published a review of all the Premiership teams and suggested what type of cartoon characters they would be (I read it in the Pub before I get accused of hypocrisy). I can't recall many of them, but Newcastle's was Dr Seuss's Cat in the Hat - because it causes chaos wherever it goes for the general amusement of others... Sums up perfectly the view of Newcastle from the rest of the Premiership. Why can't I link to this article? Cos the Sunday Times online has become pay per view... I hope that isn't the future...

Anyway, as it stands today Newcastle are mid table (before a ball has been kicked, due to an alphabetical accident) I'll settle for this next May. Bring on the fun.

Howay the lads

Learning Points

2010-07-24T15:16:00.008+01:00

As the World Cup recedes into history I've been reflecting. From the distance of a couple of weeks I didn't really enjoy the tournament much. There were a few highlights, Germany V Argentina, Italy V New Zealand and Spain V Portugal (but that might just have been the joy of seeing Ronaldo look crestfallen), but these were few and far between. The majority of the games were stale, mundane and lifeless. I found myself getting more enjoyment out of watching Maradonna's press conferences and speculating about who's suit he was wearing than I got enjoyment out of most of the games.

As for the final itself, it was like watching a Toon v mackem game from about five years ago. One team was so technically superior to the other that the only way that the lesser team could hope to compete was by hoofing players up into the air. For Mark Van Bommel substitute Nyron Nosworthy, for De Jong think of Paul McShane etc etc.... It was pitiful to watch, but Spain didn't have the ability to outplay them either. The tournament just seemed to leave a sightly bitter taste - it just didn't live up to the hype. That said I did learn somethings from the World Cup - for which I'm grateful. A few of these things are:-

1. Gutierrez is no more a right back than I am
2. Vuvuzela is a fantastic word to roll around your mouth, but the instrument itself is pretty limited
3. Despite the press reports South Africa's infrastructure was able to cope with a major sporting event.
4. England's players are rubbish (on the whole)
5. Diego Forlan was a good player after all
6. Germany will win the next World Cup
7. The French players are worse than the English (temperament-wise that is)

So - lots of useful, if incidental, things picked up over the summer... Speaking of incidental things - how about this for a match made in heaven? Titus Bramble to be reunited with Steve Bruce at Sunderland I was driving when I heard the news and laughed so hard I swerved. I'd guess that he wrote his application for this job some time ago (that will be in crayon and not in joined up letters). Titus, I recall this only too well.... Looking forward to seeing you at SJP again this season...... Not.

The Great Debate

2010-06-12T15:04:00.002+01:00

Well, all the talking is over and the battle for a trinket the size of a pot plant has started in Africa. Thirty two nations, some playing entertaining football, some playing measured football, some playing dull football are taking part in the quadrennial festival of football that enlivens my TV screen. Most of the time I don't really give a rats-ass about England 's (or to be more accurate Eng-er-lund's) fortunes in these competitions. The hype and hyperbole are wearing and misplaced, I'm of an age whereby I can still remember the racist connotations of a number of those who follow Eng-er-lund and the horror of riots at various competitions in the past.

So some time ago (I think after England drew with Poland and failed to qualify for in 1974 World Cup) I decided that I'd much prefer watching Newcastle V Carlise rather than England v USA... Simply, I cared more about the former rather than the later. Occasionally I have been sucked into the joy of supporting the country of my birth, but on the whole I've been a passive observer.

That said, there always used to be a horror when watching England... Which Newcastle player would get injured and therefore miss the start/middle/whole (delete as appropriate) of the next season? Shearer, Lee, and most notably England's Michael Owen all fell pray to the same set of worries, and they were usually lived up to.

For the South African World Cup, its very different. Not a Newcastle player within a beery breath of the squad, now no worries there. But, its replaced by a different one. Enter, stage left a mercurial winger, wearer of the black and white stripes and the finest Spiderman since Tobey Maguire...Jonas Gutierrez. Not for one moment do I think that he's likely to get injured (he falls over far too easily to get hurt by anyone) but my concern is that if he has a storming world cup he'll have his head turned by a more glamorous team - like Everton or Wigan and he'll leave the bright lights of the North East for pastures new. Equally I don't want him to have such a rubbish world cup that he comes back completely demoralised...

My internal debate rages on....

Whilst I've been away

2010-06-06T09:45:00.005+01:00

Ermmmm... Sorry, I've been a bit remiss lately. In fact, depending on your definition of lately I've been positively tardy. But, I wouldn't want you to think I've not been paying attention. Some of the 'highlights' of the last 6 months include:-

- Defying all the gloom-mongers (*cough* including myself) NUFC have managed to win the Championship at a canter, remaining unbeaten at SJP for a whole season.
- Most of the players have (so far) stayed with the club
- We still have the same manager, who has been quietly dignified through out the barrage of nonsense that has been stirred up in the press

So, NUFC are looking forward to the start of August with the prospect of turning out against Manure, Arsenal and the Mackems next season , and all that this entails... Higher price match tickets, greater speculation about players in/out, even more pressure on Hughton as well as the unforgiving glare of the press spotlight being shone even brighter on those at SJP.

In an attempt to combat this the Board at NUFC put out a statement last month. Have a look at the full version here. This is a spectacular example of standing on a chair, hoisting corporate skirts up and shouting "Thomas!". Surely, statements like this

There will be no comment from the Board regarding the purchase of players.

There will be no comment from the Board regarding the sale of players.

There will be no comment from the Board regarding ongoing contract talks with players presently at Newcastle United Football Club or with those that the club may enter into negotiation with.

Will only serve to pique the interest of the press pack. What is the phrase about keeping your friends close, but your enemies even closer? A certain amount of openness and transparency can only benefit the understanding of what the current Board are trying to achieve... How does this help?

In simple terms this is a transparent policy that will feed through and inform all aspects of the running of Newcastle United Football Club's first team. There will be no comments from any member of Newcastle United's Board in the future regarding any issues surrounding Newcastle United to the press/media at large.

That said, I sorta agree with this one.... Not the ethics of it, but because the Daily Mail is pure bile filled spiteful garbage...

Dear Mr Claus

2009-12-24T07:31:00.004Z

Following in a long established tradition for this blog (well, here and here anyway - if that counts as traditional); I've been sitting in front of my log fire, sipping some mulled wine whilst composing a list of small requests for St Nicholas to consider if I've been suitably well behaved this year in order for him to grant me some favours.

Actually, I've been battling the other lunatics on the ice bound M6 and shopping at Tesco's at midnight to avoid the madness that is shopping over the festive season - but that's nowhere near as attractive an image... Reality bites.

So what would I like St Nicholas to bring the Toon for Christmas? Well, in 2009 I've seen the team relegated, a fire sale of the best players (and some rubbish ones), the worst PR machine since.....well, ever, and host of woeful and abject displays by 11 money-motivated journeymen footballers. Last year I was ludicrous enough to ask for 3 points from the Boxing Day fixture at Wigan (that didn't work) and the year before I asked that Charlie Zog stopped being played at left back (well, that one sort of worked, but selling him to Wigan wasn't what I had in mind). So, I need to think carefully about my requests for this year.

All sorts of things have flittered through my mind including:
- Continuing being 10 points clear of the rest of the Championship at the end of the season? Nah - that won't happen
- Not selling the best players during the January transfer window? Nah, Taylor, Enrique and Coco are all on the shopping lists of Premiership clubs
- For Shearer to be given some role in the club that obviously means so much to him - Nah, he's too champagne for a club with more sober tastes at the moment

So, really my list for Santa consists of just one request...

Please can you find a new owner for the team? I'm sure that there must be one somewhere at the back of your sleigh? I'm not asking for much, just a billionaire who understands that football is a business and not a plaything, someone who knows the value of customer relations and someone who has the wit to see that a five year plan will take five years to come to fruition.

I suspect that this request to Father Christmas will fall on deaf ears like my previous ones - but I can hope. Merry Christmas Mr Ashley - oh, and get out of our club.

Not so Proud

2009-11-21T07:25:00.006Z

The past couple of weeks appear to have been a period of dust settling at SJP. It must have been at least two weeks since the press have been able to snigger in the direction of NE1... That said they had a damn good chortle prior to then.

Ashley has delivered his ultimate kick in the proverbials to the fans by trying to re-name the stadium. I've wondered this often in the past, but just who is advising Ashley? The re-naming has been positioned as 'temporary re-branding' until the end of the season. Now, I'm no marketing expert, but when has temporary re-branding ever worked before? The aim is that Ashley's firm sponsor the ground until the end of the season and then some other company will take over, oh and cough up the cash for a video screen at SJP. Apparently:

"Newcastle are currently targeting concerns including electronics giants and airlines, preferably with links to Far East and its attendant merchandising and marketing opportunities."

So that means that we can look forward to tales of Ashley and Llambias having another failed trip to some Far East hotspots [gawd, I'm even starting to write like a tabloid hack, as this is so predictable] along with the suitably embarrassing pictures. Doesn't Ashley make his money from retail? A quick Google search will show him that re-branding doesn't work. Pizza Hut to Pasta Hut, lasted no more than a few months and I'm of the generation that still looks for a Marathon bar or Opal Fruits (rather than Snickers or Starburst) when I wander into the newsagents. Just the same as when I walk up to watch a game of football, I'll be going to St James' Park.

The other problem is that it sounds like a crap email address: sportsdirect.com@stjames'park - its just utter pants. I can see Dave Whelan being the only one who would make even an offer for these "prestigious naming rights", JJB@stjames'park - has a ring to it, don't you think?

The only other thing that seems to have happened off the pitch is that Shola has decided that he is a Nigerian after all (odd, how he mentions this after Nigeria have qualified for the World Cup?). No doubt Hughton has his head in his hands, as if Shola makes the team, he'll be at the African Cup of Nations for all of January. But, in reality, when was the last time that Shola was fit for a whole month? Maybe it will give him some impetus to perform until then, so the team can only benefit from that.

Anyway, come Monday night I'm breaking my temporary leave of absence since the first game of the season - I'll be at Preston. The usual mixture of anticipation and fear are starting to descend.

Howay the lads...

Grounds for divorce

2009-10-31T17:46:00.006Z

As the wonderfully talented Mr Guy Garvey once intoned:-

I've been working on a cocktail called Grounds for Divorce
Polishing a compass that I hold in my sleeve
Doubt comes in on sticks but then he kicks like a horse

And that just about perfectly sums up my feelings towards the current events at NE1 4ST. The comedy club lurches from shambles to shameful, getting deeper on a daily basis into what has become lunacy. A few examples that have stopped me from blogging recently:

1. Chris Hughton. A man who has only ever been guilty of being in the right place at the right time. He must have a yoyo like piece of elastic leading too the managers chair. He's been interim manager on three occasions, and then just as he starts a four game win less streak, he gets rewarded with a permanent contract.

2. Keegan's court case. So much muck has been thrown at the current owner that I had the feeling that some of it must stick. I was wrong; it all stuck - every last fleck. From foisting a player that the manager didn't want (and advising him to watch him on YouTube), through to lying to the fans and press about Keegan having the final say in terms of the playing personnel. Its bad enough being glib enough to lie to your employees, but also admitting to lying to your 'customers' on a sustained and regular basis shows the utmost contempt.

3. The longest ever proposed sale of a business. It got to the stage that the unedifying hawking sight of the club being pushed around the markets, bazaars and auction houses was becoming as laughable as the proposed price - I was waiting for the eBay joke to become reality. The least surprising news of this week was the news that Ashley was hanging onto his shares for a while longer. I don't doubt that there is a sound business reason for this, getting promoted back to the financial nirvana of the Premiership will see Ashley recoup a lot more of his investment than selling from the second tier.

4. Renaming of St James' Park - Oh, for gawd's sake Ashley STOP IT. The idea of renaming the stadium is senseless and just further antagonises your customer base. The few extra million quid that you may get would just be counter productive... Do you really think that "The Aldi Stadium" or some such like is going to be used by the 45,000 souls who choose to sit in the seats they have purchased every couple of weeks? Its another PR disaster. I'm not usually one for signing petitions - but please have a look at this online petition from the Newcastle United Supporters Trust. I disagree with a number of things that the supporters trust are trying to do (but that's fodder for my next outpouring) but this petition is one that I've happily put my name to.

All of the above (and a whole heap more) have led me to reassess my ongoing commitment to the club that has been such a big part of my life for so long. Picking up on the song, I'm not going to look to divorce myself from NUFC, but I'm having a trial separation. Not been to a game since WBA, turned down a few tickets and didn't even watch a few of the live games (I went to see a ballet instead of watching the Forest game!) I'm still that glutton for punishment though, surreptitiously stalking the latest misdemeanours of the club via the press. It's not a healthy relationship at the moment.

Time to reassess

2009-09-26T07:37:00.006+01:00

I've had an epiphany over recent weeks (I know, the chemist will sell me some cream and it'll clear up shortly) - I started to enjoy watching football again. Obviously, I need to clarify that last sentence - I don't mean that I've been hanging around my local park avidly watching the local Sunday pub teams hack lumps out of each other (although I must admit that sometimes that does contain some amusement, normally generated by the half time pint, cig and pasties that are produced) but that I'm starting to enjoy Premiership football again.

For the past ten or so years I've been sure of my beliefs, for example, knowing that any team managed by Sam Allardyce would be dreadful to watch (including NUFC), that I was a fully paid up member of the ABU (Anyone But manUnited) club, and that Craig Bellamy could start a fight in an empty room. But since relegation I've started reassess my beliefs. This all started a couple of weekends ago when, with nothing else to watch on a Saturday afternoon I found myself in front of Manure v Spurs. I really enjoyed the game. It was only afterwards that I realised that it felt like watching a Spanish or Italian game. What I mean by that is, it was mildly interesting to watch, admire some of the football, but I didn't care who won.

I tested this theory further when watching Manure v Man Citeh. In the past I'd have been willing Citeh to beat their neighbours, but on Sunday I just watched the ebb and flow of the game, was mildly perturbed when the millionaire EMO got the winner and enjoyed getting the outraged texts from Citeh friends. So I started to think about the other Premiership games and realised that even if I was offered free tickets nothing would ever entice me to go and see Bolton v Stoke. In fact I'd go further, I wouldn't go if it was free tickets, free meal, free helicopter ride to the ground and getting to meet the teams afterwards. A draw in that game had to have been the least surprising result of all time.

The reason why I've stopped caring about the Premiership has nothing to do with the decline in the game, the over-exposure of the product, or even the over hyped players. Its simply that those teams are no longer relevant to the team that I care about the most - Newcastle United. Equally, my sphere of knowledge hasn't developed any of the irrational prejudices of teams in the Championship - I haven't merely replaced a dislike of Wigan with Preston or Manure with QPR (the parallels are there for them both) because I don't know enough about them.

So, recently I've started to live in a new footballing world, which is a happier place. Perhaps I have got something to thank Mike Ashley for after all... (that's irony by the way, for anyone reading outside of the UK). That said, this weekends game will reacquaint me with some old prejudices, Toon v Ipswich. Which re-ignites the Toon with the ex-mackem manager and half the ex-mackem team. It'll be an interesting game for a number of reasons, not least the likely debut of the man with the unfeasibly small head, Marlon Harewood. He sounds like a good loan signing and also looks like a typical Championship player - he's starting to make the right noises and he might make an impact. It's on the telly as further testament to the effect that Sir Bobby Robson had on both clubs and to the sport itself. No doubt, not a dry eye in the house...again.

Oh, and just in case you think that the epiphany has made me go all liberal and soft, I'd just like to make it clear, I sincerely hope that Hull don't get another point in the Premiership all season, and finish second bottom - just above the mackems.

Howay the lads!

Set adrift on memory bliss

2009-09-05T07:50:00.004+01:00

So, that was the summer then - a few rays of sunshine, intermingled with dark heavy storm clouds that have never really cleared. And as for the weather... The rays of sunshine (probable take over, Shearer as manager, prospect of any new players) have been eclipsed by the storm clouds (Ashley staying, no new investment). It's become apparent that the reactive management of Newcastle United probably haven't got a plan A, never mind a plan B. So, off the club trundle into the international break, with a wafer thin squad, an interim manager and top of the league.

Hang on, can that last sentence be right? If everything is so doom and gloom how on earth can the league table look like this...

1	Newcastle	5	4	1	0	8	1	7	13
2	WBA	5	3	2	0	9	5	4	11
3	Cardiff City	5	3	1	1	11	4	7	10
4	Middlesbrough	5	3	1	1	8	2	6	10
5	Bristol City	5	3	1	1	6	6	0	10

As with so many things with Newcastle United, it just doesn't make sense. The talk at the moment is that Chris Hughton will get manager of the month in the Championship. Don't the powers that be realise the irony of this? He is a manager who's business card must have the words interim, interim manager printed on it... He's been the stand in for the last couple of stand ins. He obviously is a nice man, and somehow despite (or because of?) the chaos going on around him seems to have managed to get the club into the top of the Championship pile. Maybe its that in all this adversity he's starting to learn about the players and the team that he is managing (obviously there are a few less on the list now) and because he's hung around the team have started to react positively to him.

Whatever the reasons, NUFC are top of the pile at the moment. The last time we were top of the league at this time of year was in the halcyon days of 1995, when the team stayed in that spot until March... and ended up 2nd. At the time that felt like a massive, crushing disappointment. If in March 2010 the league table looks similar then it won't be a disappointment - the storm will have been weathered. But I suspect that there is a typhoon approaching first.

Ok - I'll stop stretching this analogy any further...

Bank Holiday Blues

2009-08-31T09:36:00.009+01:00

I really dislike this time of year, for a start bank holiday's always mean some sort of personal disaster for me. The last one resulted in a badly damaged knee, and previous ones have resulted in various trips to A&E depts (for either me or family members), or some sort of irrevocable fracture in relationship/friendship occurs caused by spending too much time with those you wouldn't usually be with. The August bank holiday is always a trying time, summer is starting to fade (what's to celebrate about that), the weather is invariably crap, DIY and garden disasters beckon, and the roads are clogged with folk seeking the last bit of 'quality family time' before December.

Equally in football its a grim time, mainly caused by the corporate anxiety caused by the imminent slamming of the transfer window at the start of September. In the majority of boardrooms this involves a frantic set of player movements as those going through the out door are supposedly replaced by newer shinier and better models through the in door. By the end of the first week in September squads are supposed to emerge, fully formed with polyester clad badge-kissers proclaiming that "this is the move of my dreams - I've always dreamed of playing for [insert club name]". Before pocketing £50k a week and having a squad number in excess of 50.

Of course, Newcastle United do this differently. I have fond memories of 1995, when Keegan stood on the pitch at SJP proudly introducing Les Ferdinand, Warren Barton, Shaka Hislop and David Ginola to the faithful. We knew that this was a brave new dawn, and the anticipation was almost matched in that year. Fast forward 14 years, and the feeling is so different. At present its keeping an ear open to see whom else the club is hemorrhaging in terms of playing staff. The revolving door seems to have got stuck on out at the moment.

I'm realistic enough to realise that relegation wasn't going to bring in an influx of international quality players, but I'd sort of hoped for a bit more that just Danny Simpson on loan (who looked hopelessly off the pace against Coventry). Call me unrealistic, but I was looking forward to a few wisened journeymen to get us out of the clarts and back up to the Premiership, ably assisted by a few young players grabbing their chance to impress in a black and white shirt and show us what they can really do when unshackled from the shadow of the recent incumbents. But then I remember the club is for sale, the first team is still managed by an interim manager (and has been for almost a year now) and there were no relegation clauses in contracts. Call me unduly suspicious, but I find it a bit odd in Steven Taylor pledging his future to the club just a week after he's said that he wasn't happy with the team... A bit of pre-emptive PR perhaps? I hope not.

Still, tonight is a welcome distraction as attention turns to the pitch again. Leicester City - fond memories of a 4-3 win (before loosing 3-4 became fashionable) in February 1996 - but I doubt it will be the same this time...

Howay the lads (if any are left)

Never Ending Circle

2009-08-23T11:10:00.005+01:00

As I've mentioned before, I collect stuff. This is usually something that acts as a memory jogger from events that I've attended, mainly because I've got such a phenomenally poor memory for dates. For example, I've no idea of the date that I made the migration from the hallowed land of the North-East and tipped up in the North-West... I know it was a long time ago, and Newcastle United haven't won anything since I arrived in Manchester, put that doesn't really narrow things down does it? However, the memory jogger does help, for example I know that I saw Elvis Costello and the Attractions in 1978 - 'cos I've got the ticket stub still to prove it as well as recalling how brilliant Lipstick Vogue was.

Equally, as you'd expect I've got a load of Newcastle United memorabilia, from dog-eared, bovril-stained programmes to crumpled, torn and crushed away tickets (except the plastic Man City ones, obviously). At one stage these used to adorn my book-cases, but as real life and pragmatism have got in the way, I now have a large box under my desk filled with all sorts of interesting ephemera (or junk, depending on your perspective). One of the things that has happened is that friends and fellow Toon-suffers now see me as the perfect vehicle to offload the junk that has been cluttering up the spare bedroom/garage/loft-space. All of which I accept gleefully, like a small child on Christmas morning looking for something more than just another satsuma.

A couple of weeks ago I was given a gem, an issue of the magazine, The Mag from 1988. It was the third issue of this magazine, and a relic of pre-t'interweb times, entirely in black and white, full of spelling and typographical errors, with hand drawn cartoons and a letters page that consisted of a single piece of correspondence.

The other thing that really stuck me about this issue was that it could have been written yesterday, rather than 21 years ago... To quote from the editorial:-

"...any directors who hold out until the bitter end will remain what they are now, the most loathed men on Tyneside"

In 1988 the club was going through another transition, with newly formed Magpie Group trying to wrestle control of the board, which eventually led to John Hall's chairmanship. Fast forward 21 years and the only difference appears to be that rather than an unseemly squabble as to who should own the club, there is now an owner who doesn't want it, and no one interested (or stupid) enough to meet the asking price.

As the on-pitch results are really pleasant to see, don't be fooled. Sitting in an automatic promotion place after four games is great, but it won't last if the situation with the management of the whole of the club isn't sorted out. Playing staff are hemorrhaging out of SJP as the lure of more attractive contracts are waved in front of their avaricious faces with little sign of any sort of replacements coming in (Danny Simpson doesn't count, he's a Manure cast off), combined with the team having a temporary manager (with the spectre of Alan Shearer casting a long shadow over the first team). The current set of results aren't sustainable. A situation that has desperately needed resolving gets more acute.

To quote from the current edition of The Mag (no 238, if you are interested):-

"Sadly as the months have drifted by...Mike Ashley became precisely a unique villain in Newcastle's history. And that is some achievement at NUFC - purveyors of chaos since 1982"

And so the cycle of despair and hope (albeit in only small glimmers) continues.

Bagging a point

2009-08-09T10:31:00.003+01:00

WBA 1 Toon 1

On the way to the game we played a new game to keep us entertained, 'guess which clubs are in the same division as we are?' It look us a while, and I'll confess that the whole of the car laughed hysterically when I inquired if we'd be playing Luton Town this season? (apparently they ceased troubling the league statisticians some time ago). It all felt a bit unreal yesterday, traveling to a game in blazing sunshine, going to a familiar ground, seeing a team playing in a strip that is an affront to the eyes; and then there was the tributes to Sir Bobby. We'd all thought that it was going to be an emotional day and it proved to be so.

The tributes to Sir Bobby, ranged from scrawled on bed sheets proclaiming adoration for the man to freshly minted shirts bearing his name. The applause started long before the scheduled one minute and lasted for a long time after. A fitting tribute to the man and to all those in football he touched.

The game itself was a mixture of the same hangover from last year with a little bit of added new angst. Shola had a shocker, Nolan looked unfit, and Gutierrez promised way more than he delivered. The positives were, Smith looks like he may make a good Championship captain, Duff finally hit a ball sweetly, and Stevie Taylor is going to do well in this division. Another positive was that Shola's clumsiness in sideswiping Harper's forehead meant that Tim Krul got a chance to show that he really is a class 'keeper. Without him I doubt Newcastle would be mid-table now, definitely one for the future, maybe along with Nile Ranger, who managed to get onto the pitch for the last 90 seconds.

A couple of additional observations from the game, the warm up was interesting (yes - I drove so we arrived a full hour early). It was obvious who the starting 11 were, they all warmed up together on the right hand side of the pitch. Whilst, the substitutes warmed up on the left hand side of the pitch, with one exception - Barton spent the 20 minute warm up kicking a ball back and forwards with the Newcastle mascot - no one talking to him, no one involving him in any of the planning for the game. His whole body language sets him apart from the rest of the team. More trouble ahead with this, ahem, character methinks.

Also, I wonder if Ashley is getting the message yet - the number of times 2700 folk felt the need to sing "Get out of our club, get out of our club...." (decency prevents me from writing the rest of the song). Seeing as the BBC are reporting this morning that he's now thinking of staying on and appointing O'Leary as manager, I'd guess that he's a little hard of hearing. If this man is supposed to be such a good businessman, how can he think that alienating the whole of the customer base is a good way to make more money? Madness.

A final thought, last season we started with a 1-1 draw in the sunshine, against the eventual champions and ended up relegated. I think that if things don't change in terms of ownership and management, the same could happen again. Newcastle United - never dull.

Sadness - Part 1

2009-08-01T06:52:00.005+01:00

I'd just got out of a meeting yesterday and my phone chirruped with a text* - "Sir Bobby has passed away". Whilst this was probably the least surprising news, it still provoked an unexpected sense of sadness within me.

I never met Bobby Robson, but I'd stood in grounds singing his name "Walking in a Robson wonderland" as the team he created and I supported entertained me. He was responsible for a resurgence in the fortunes (no doubt both in a financial and footballing sense) of the football club. His passion and for his job shone through. I remember after one game, standing in a busy pub with the throb of conversation pulsing around me, all dissecting the the previous 90 minutes entertainment. As ever the TVs were all on in the background, merely adding to the noise. However, as the after match interviews started and the second that Bobby Robson's face flickered onto the screen a quietness settled over the pub. People wanted to listen to what he had to say about football - his passion, knowledge and honesty shone through.

Many of the tributes that are being given talk about his compassion. He directly touched my life once. In 2003 I was on my way to SJP to watch Toon v Man City. Now, living in Manchester and having a number of friends who are City fans, this was always one of the special fixtures that I'd make the trip to SJP for. I never saw that game - I had a bad car crash on the A1 and ended up in hospital for the next few days. I was lucky, I recovered fairly quickly but the friend who was in the car with me wasn't as fortunate, she broke her back. Over the next few weeks after the crash I helped out with whatever I could for her, and one of the things that I did was write to the club to see if they would send her something to cheer her up.

I'd explained that my friend was a City fan, and the circumstances of the accident. To be honest as I posted the letter I wondered if I was wasting the stamp. By return of post came a get well card, signed by Sir Bobby. The card was special, not a flashy corporate standardised card, but something that looked like it had been done in Wordart, signed in felt-tip pen by Bobby. We joked at the time that it looked like Bobby had done it himself on the computer... Thinking about it now, he just might have done. I hope that card is still treasured. It's one small example of the compassion that he showed for others.

His humour was also a overriding feature - apparently he regularly got players names wrong. One of those was Shola Ameobi, who when asked how Robson pronounced his name said "Carl Court". The other was Bryan Robson, who at the World Cup was called 'Bobby' by Robson... In the wrong context it would have been easy to dislike someone who gets your name wrong. But its interesting that Shola was one of the players who has laid a wreath for Bobby at SJP and Bryan has been keen to add his words to the tributes that have been given.

Next weekend sees the West Brom game, I'm going. Bobby Robson played for West Brom and managed Newcastle. The last game that I went to I was determined not to get emotional, not to shed a tear for the demise of my team. I'm not so sure it will be the same next weekend for Sir Bobby Robson.

* I've still no idea who sent me that text...

Laughing Stock - Part 97

2009-07-26T08:29:00.007+01:00

Just when I'd started to think it couldn't get any worse, NUFC reapply the 12 bore to the foot and pull the trigger - again. Not content with the pain of relegation, the debacle in the boardroom, the complete absence of a manager (Chris Hughton doesn't count), and a squad shuffling towards the exit door; the kit manufactures have now got in on the act with this debacle. Now, I'm aware that I moaned on about last seasons away kit, but this one is so bad it makes the purple one look tame. What is even worse is that its given the BBC the opportunity to wheel out some local window-lickers to comment on the kit - along with the snappy title "Crowds down for NUFC away kit" apparently three (fool)hardy souls queued for the 'honour' of purchasing one of these monstrosities.

A couple of weeks ago I took myself off for an evening of non-football related entertainment (so much more edifying, so much less stress) and went to see The Twang at Manchester Academy. Birmingham's finest band have a new album out in August and are getting back on the road after being in the studio for about a year. This was their first gig, of what I expect will be a long tour and a such the ticket prices were relatively cheap. The gig was great fun, the band interspersing tracks from the new album (which no one knew) with some of the old favourites. A good night was had by all (even though they only played a short set) and it certainly wasn't diminished at all when the band had to stop in the encore because they had forgotten the words one of their oldest songs... The crowd laughed, it added to the enjoyment of the evening and then we helped the band 'remember' the words.

I learned a long time a go not to pay any attention to pre-season games. They are full of over-weight and uninterested players who are either concerned about not getting injured or about getting a better contract. I long ago learned that if Newcastle have a stunning pre-season then a mediocre season will ensue (the reverse is also true, last season we managed to draw with PSV Eindhoven, and beat Valencia - and look how well we fared!), as a result I stopped going. However, I'd love to think that yesterday's result was just a case of forgetting the words, but somehow I think its a symptom of a deeper malaise. Still, at least its given the press to confirm our laughing stock status, oh, how Man City must be relieved.

However, like a moth to a flame, I still haven't given up. The half-feared text came through this week... "Want tickets for the Baggies game?" So despite the game being live on BBC, it being half-way through the holidays and all of the mess mentioned above, I'm going. I feel like I'm rubbernecking at a car smash... I know I shouldn't look, but I can't look away.

Sort it out

2009-07-07T21:42:00.002+01:00

Says it all really.....

Talking of....

- Malaysian takeovers
- Player revolts [insert own joke]
- No manager
- A season that is starting in a months time

As ever NUFC manage to make themselves a laughing stock, even by doing nothing. For once doing nothing isn't an option.

Despair, disarray and disunity - the new watchwords at SJP

Advertising Standards

2009-06-28T07:43:00.004+01:00

It's no great surprise that the advertising industry is being hit hard by the economic woes of the world. Have you noticed that even TV is now having to advertise the power of advertisements? I'd guess this is one of the best barometers of both the state of the economy as well the change in the revenue models for TV. You always recall the good adverts, and if they are done well they become intimately associated with the product they are selling - for example Cadbury's Gorilla, Guinness Horses and Surfers or the Smash Martians. However, some advertising is just plain wrong. My current hate is the Iggy Pop, Swiftcover ad. After years of leaping around a dance floor to Iggy's Lust for Life, there is something deeply disturbing that Iggy has gone lusting after the adverting dollar. I have no problem with him needing to supplement his pension, but with a cheesy insurance ad? I develop tourette's every time I see the ad.

Equally, the emergence this week of a 34 page brochure advertising the *cough* icon that is Michael Owen, who 'may consider a move away from St James' Park' *really, I'd never have guessed* is just plain wrong. This glossy contains some interesting facts about Brand Owen, including 0.5 goals per game ratio, his current sponsors (Umbro, Tissot and BMW - in case you are mildly interested) and how he isn't really injury prone. Its the fact that he is being hawked around (in English, Spanish and Italian) that is so unedifying. Don't get me wrong, I'd not hankering back to the days of the bags full of cash in motorway service stations in order to transfer a player from club to club, this just feels so extreme, so impersonal, so desperate.

What is does demonstrate is that the corportisation and internationalisation of football is complete. EMO, will load up his metaphorical saddlebags of Newcastle United's cash and hightail it out of town. Like the mercenary that he is, he'll tip up somewhere new, do a job for a couple of years and quickly erase the memories of his time in the black and white shirt. When he arrived at the Toon he was damaged goods, and he'll leave us the same... only several million pounds richer. Brings a new definition to 'living on past glories'. Cheerio, Michael, shut the door on your way out - you won't be missed.

With regards to the rest of the squad, no doubt the exodus will start next week - rumours are legion, but I'm not paying too much attention. Far more pressing matters of managers/owners are taxing my thoughts...and depressing me. Unfortunately, I can see a fire sale of the talent (such as it is) from the squad, and administration is looming. A ten point deduction before we even start in the Championship - what joy.

On a lighter note - I've mentioned in the past that I live fairly near Old Trafford. This week coming back from work a Audi R8 appeared in my rear view mirror... Immediate thought was "*tut* footballer" I wasn't wrong, as he pulled next to me at the lights, I saw that the driver was Fellaini - him of the big hair fame.

You heard it here first.

Doomed

2009-06-14T09:51:00.003+01:00

As the only thing that emanates from SJP current is a deafening silence (maybe that's because Newcastle have sacked their head of media relations, oh no, I recall now Ashley has always been rubbish at communicating with his 'target audience') it is safe to assume that the club is rapidly disappearing around a metaphorical U-bend and if we aren't careful its looking likely that its unlikely ever to come back.

No manager, playing staff who are pledging allegiance to their lucrative contracts with no relegation clauses in them (until a better offer comes along), an owner who invites bids for the club on email, a chairman who seems incapable of letting a word of truth escape from his lips - the list goes on and on. Even Shearer has given up on talking to the press.

A triple whammy; years of poor team management, add in the recent financial mismanagement, and then a dollop of relegation, mix them all together, leave to marinade for a season... Hey presto... I give you Leeds United. The final icing on this cake is the recent Setanta woes, which is bound to have an effect on the TV money and therefore the shaky financial standing of the club.

The sun may be shining, but its very, very dark in SJP at the moment.

New Adventures

2009-05-25T09:24:00.009+01:00

Aston Villa 1 Toon 0

Well, that's it then, goodbye to the Premiership, goodbye to the hype, the overpaid and the under-performing. In the picture opposite is myself and my band of fellow Toon suffers. The five of us who have been to a large number of the debacles that have been loosely termed as entertainment this season (spotted on Sky Sports by a colleague). All of us reached the end of this game and after a few rousing choruses of support for the team, slowly shuffled off and dispersed for the summer. No tears, no anger and no recriminations; just a quiet resignation.

Before the game it felt like old times, thousands of Geordies grouped around pubs in Aston, singing, drinking and generally having a good time. The sun was shining, beer was flowing and everyone was determined to have a good time. It continued when we got into the ground. No fancy dress from the Newcastle fans this time, but just a steely determination to "Sing our hearts out for the lads" And we did.

Then the game kicked off. Typically, the players appeared anxious and nervy. About half way through the first half, news came through that Manure had scored against Hull, there was a ripple of excitement, but nothing too ecstatic - we could see what was happening on the pitch in front of us. Then the inevitable happened, a Barry punt from outside the penalty area, a huge deflection, one nil down... You just know its going to be one of those pub quiz questions in years to come "Who was the last player to score for Newcastle United in the Premiership?" Only if it had been for us, rather than against us, eh Duff?

This was a game that needed a hero on the pitch - the shame was that the 14 that appeared in the Black and White shirts were incapable or unmotivated to be that hero. The second half was pitiful - and expected. At the end of the game there was a raucous explosion of support for the team, no violence (despite what the police and stewards were expecting) no tears (despite what the Sky cameras were expecting) just a (semi) dignified out pouring of support for the team. It felt like a desperate attempt by a City to show the rest of the country that our club may make a mockery of the town, but the fans still have the pride. The players haven't been good enough, the management has been achingly poor, but there was a feeling that we'll be there long after the current wearers of the shirt and current incumbents of the directors box will have scuttled off from whence they came.

I took this picture just after the final whistle, and for me this is why I'll be going back next season and the season after. Blind faith? quite possibly, but the sense of belonging is hugely powerful and alluring.

So, the trip back up the M6 brought plans of trips to Preston, Barnsley, Blackpool and Scunthorpe, with an odd sort of optimism. It may be a case of the morning-after-the-night- before, but its all quite exciting. New grounds to visit, new players to look forward to, quite possibly a new manager to look forward to (we all felt that at least Alan Shearer understood how the fans reacted). It was a case of looking forwards and not backwards - the Premiership is dead, long live the Championship.

Forty Years On

2009-05-23T10:30:00.007+01:00

I went to a party last night, it was a very civilized affair... In a beautifully decorated upstairs room of a eatery in a trendy area of Manchester. All bottles of designer beer and canapés, low hum of conversation combined with low background music. As it was a 40th birthday party, the conversation was around children, holidays and jobs. However, there was a slight difference with this group - as with any gathering there was a plethora of accents, some Mancunian, some Irish, some Yorkshire and with a smattering of Spanish, Libyan, Scouse, etc. But there was also a large proportion Geordie - due to the birthday boy hailing from the North East, most of the members of our traveling band of foolhardy Toon suffers had come to join in the celebrations.

Needless to say much of the conversation was also about football. The topic of Sunday's game was broached with us the same hushed reverential tones that usually greet inquiries about the health of a terminally ill relative. The faux sympathy in the Manure fans eyes was a joy to behold and reactions of others was also interesting, from "your lot are too good to go down" (Liverpool fan) to "when they get relegated will you support someone else?" (Manure fan - really, I'm not making it up!).

The reality of this is that Newcastle United are in the position that they are in because of being the third worst team in the Premiership this year. The fact that the team have one more home win than the number of managers that have been through the door of St James' Park gives a good clue as to why the team is languishing at the base of the tree-trunk that is the league. Simple maths show that no team is 'too good to go down' and simple economics show that relegation will be catastrophic for the club.

My usual answer to these polite enquires was that I believe that Newcastle will get relegated, because the team has been atrocious this season. Now, of course the rational part of me believes this totally - however, the emotional part of me desperately wants this not to be true. I'm having a schizophrenic response to thoughts on Sunday's game - I won't be at all surprised if the scoreline is similar to last years capitulation especially as the lack of heart shown against Fulham may just pervade. But equally I'd really love the dream scenario of a Newcastle win and a glorious snatching of victory from the jaws of oblivion. Time will tell.

I'll be there to watch it; cowering at every Villa attack, spirits soaring at every half chance for the black and whites; hoping against hope that results from KC stadium, wearyside and smogland are going the right way to keep the club in the top flight. Savage amusement indeed.

As a footnote to the party. It was Phil's birthday - lifelong Toon fan... Born 40 years ago, just after the last time we won a competition. We bought him the commemorative shirt in the picture, and pointed out to him on more than one occasion that he must be the jinx!

Expensive

2009-05-14T09:15:00.005+01:00

In light of all those terribly honest British MPs starting to admit that the sight of them with their snouts in a trough is slightly unedifying, and as a consequence humbly handing back sackfuls of misappropriated expenses (or something like that anyway), I wonder if some of those clowns in black and white shirts would consider doing the same?

Little Mickey O (he used to play for England, you know) owes us for at least a years salary, as do Xisco, Geremi and Alan Smith... As for Barton, he owes us the last three years salary and all his future earnings, wherever he chooses to 'earn' a living. The one that I would have added to this list would have been Viduka, but the performance on Monday may have partially atoned for some of the sackfuls of cash he's had from Newcastle United over the past couple of years.

Roll on Saturday - when the overpaid, underachievers will be playing a team of (comparatively) underpaid, overachievers...

Shape of things to come

2009-05-05T20:32:00.005+01:00

Last week I went to Leeds. I was visiting with my work and as the meeting was in one of the less salubrious areas of Leeds (actually an industrial estate to the West of Leeds) I drove, rather than taking the train. The journey from the Manchester took me down the M621 - past Elland Road. On the way there I was struck that I was approaching the stadium from the 'back' and that the appearance was that of neglect and abandonment. The car parks were largely weed encrusted and the surrounding area seemed to be littered with abandoned cars. It just had a feel of being run down and uncared for. However, when I was returning from my meeting, the view was very different, the huge imposing frontage to the main stand (despite the fact it appears to be sponsored by Lurpak ) which dominates the skyline. It is a reminder to the Leeds fans of the past glories of the club - whereas the hinterland of the stadium is more in keeping of the current plight of the club.

The decline of Leeds is so marked that the phrase "doing a Leeds" has come to be shorthand for huge overspending and a rapid hurtling down the divisions. At the moment, Leeds United have their fingers crossed that they might get back into The Championship via the play-offs, but no-one will be surprised if they fail again. They have become damned in a way that neither Brian Clough or David Peace imagined.

The parallels between Leeds and Newcastle are so obvious that they don't need drawing - and the shared factor of Dennis Wise warrants no further comment. However, I wish the team bus on its way back from Liverpool had driven past Elland Road. Maybe it might have jolted the likes of EMO, Nolan, Viduka and most of all Barton into starting to play like they actually care about something more than their pay packets.

I didn't watch the Liverpool game, thanks to a ruptured cruciate ligament (how much does that sound like a footballers injury? In fact it happens to 'real' people as well - a domestic accident) I spent much of the weekend recovering from surgery. But, not only was I not surprised by the result against Liverpool, I expected it. Not watching the Toon used to make me feel that I was missing something. Now not watching them saves me 90 minutes of disappointment and keeps my blood pressure down, which was quite important this weekend.

As far Barton, I've said it before, but just get rid... It looks like he's finally burnt his remaining bridge and the club has finally grown some balls and will get rid of him, there will be something poetic if he ends up at Leeds...

One final though... If Shearer is only managing until the end of the season, then why has he been able to get rid of Barton, and why were he and Dowie at the Wigan/Bolton game? Methinks he might be in the managers office for a while yet.

For it is written

2009-04-26T08:28:00.005+01:00

I avoided listening to any of the games yesterday - wandering (well actually, limping - but that's another story) around Tesco's with an iPod clamped to my ears. For me, the only way to cope with having to do the weekly shop on a Saturday afternoon is to have someone like The Killers help me blot out as much of the real world as possible. In any event I was pleasantly surprised on my return home to find that West Brom had demolished the mackems, Hull had succumbed to Liverpool and was even cheered to see that Stoke lost. However, to make it a perfect weekend; today Arsenal and Wigan need to win and then Newcastle need to beat Portsmouth on Monday. Even then, Newcastle will still remain in the bottom three.

So, to avoid thinking about the pain that is going to happen over the next month as the inexorable slide towards relegation continues for the Toon I was cheered to see that the worlds greatest canine perambulator, one Royston Maurice Keane is back in gainful employment. I can see this all unfolding in front of my eyes....

Newcastle get relegated on the last day of the season, Shearer, feeling that he can't leave the Toon now, agrees to stay as manager for the next season (after Ashley has offered him a Kings ransom to stay on - we'll need some box office pull). Midway through June the fixture list is announced for the Championship and the first away game for Newcastle is Portman Road. That way perhaps we'll finally get a reprise of this...

I'd pay good money to know exactly what Shearer said to Keane to provoke that reaction. I've always wondered... Well, at the very least there will be a rendition of "Keano, he walks his dog, you know" I think that's how the chant went??

I'll not be able to watch the game on Monday, so I'll be nervous as a kitten with my head in my hands listening to Radio 5 deliver the news... Gulp.

Howay the lads.

Ornithological flocking

2009-04-18T07:28:00.008+01:00

A few years ago I was lucky enough to go on holiday to The Gambia. Apart from it being one of the most beautiful countries in West Africa, it also had the added advantage of further feeding my football obsession, as just about everyone that I met wanted to talk about football in general and English football in particular. It led to some of the most surreal evenings watching football, which I've mentioned before.

However, one of the other things that The Gambia is famous for is its plethora of bird life. From exotic Blue-bellied Rollers to the exotically named Senegal thick-knee (it does exist - and I'll let you insert your own El-Haj Doiuf joke) they all fly around the lush countryside of Gambia. At the hotel I stayed at, the two characters in the photo spent every day going through the bins, looking for scraps to feed off. These Vultures are huge versions of scavenging Starlings, they were also comedic as they would battle each other over a bread roll in the most ungainly scraping since Bowyer and Dyer. As I was on holiday with a couple of Man City fans, these vultures were quickly given the nicknames Dunne and Distin and became woven into the fabric of our two weeks.

It now feels like the Vultures are now circling over SJP, eyeing up whatever can be picked over for entertainment. As ever, the media is there to watch the oncoming train-wreck as they expect Newcastle to stumble to the Championship - but the fact that the next four games are being shown live on TV (as was last weeks Stoke game) seems to be an unhealthy interest. I understand the economics of this - after all Sentana are are going to sell more pay per view games to distraught Toon fans than worried Middlesbrough fans... because there a twice as many of us than the Smogmonsters. However, it does smack a bit of voyeurism. They aren't going to let Newcastle gently fade away - but then again I wouldn't want it any other way.

The Vultures are already starting to pick over the bones of the team as well. The Shearer/Martins spat seems to be a pre-cursor for Obafemi heading to pastures new during the summer. It doesn't take a genius to read between the lines, when the Assistant Manager has to come out and say that everything is really alright with Martins and that he's important to the club. Somehow I'd just bet that Dowie had his fingers crossed behind his back.

You can almost hear the sniggering as they gleefully announce that Viduka is getting ready for his 97th comeback game this season, just in time for the Spurs game - on Sunday. I'd be delighted if the Gregg's worrier scored the goals to keep Newcastle up, but there is as much chance of that happening as the two in the picture turning up in my back garden this afternoon.

Still, I'll have a houseful on Sunday, gathered round the TV, fervently hoping for a Toon win. If the unexpected did happen and Newcastle leave the capital with 3 points then maybe the Vultures will have to circle a little higher, for a week at least.

Perspective - lest we forget

2009-04-13T09:00:00.005+01:00

Saturday's game was as poor as I expected it to be. When Andy Carroll's header looped into the back of the net I felt a outpouring of relief, but as the final whistle went reality well and truly bit. NUFC are still down amongst the bottom-feeders of the Premiership and likely to still be there at the end of this season. It comes to something when a 1-1 draw against Stoke City is treated as an earth-shattering breakthrough.

So, as is my wont, I stomped around yesterday in a state of mild depression, compensated only by the visual delights of the Yorkshire Sculpture Park. Feeling irrationally naffed off that it is quite likely that the team that I've supported for all my life are doomed and relegation will be the culmination of 10 years of slow decline and managerial incompetency. Then, yesterday evening everything was jolted into perspective.

As I've mentioned before, I'm a great one for radio listening a combination of spending far too much time on Britain's motorway network as well as enjoying getting a sports related fixed on at least a half hourly basis. Last night, I'd got the radio playing in the background and started listening to 'Hillsbrough Stories' on Radio Five Live. I was moved to stop doing whatever mundane task I'd been doing and sit, listen and absorb the pain that the people still feel 20 years later.

15th April 1989, 96 people went to a football game and never came back. No doubt on the morning of that game some of the Liverpool fans felt the same type of emotions that I feel before every game. The giddy mixture of anticipation, excitement, hope and belief. However, 96 of them ended up being suffocated and crushed to death because of appalling crowd control and lack of respect for human life by the so-called authorities. See here for more information.

Now, I wasn't there, I don't know anyone who lost a friend or family member at that match; so I'm not presumptuous enough to be able to understand what the families of the dead have had to experience since 1989. But, I do recall being at Filbert St (Leicester City's old ground) in the early 1990's trying to get out, and not having my feet on the ground but moving as 2000+ people tried to get through a passageway wide enough to fit two people side by side. I remember being very scared at that, and I wasn't in the slightest bit crushed.

So, whilst people (me included) whitter on about the lack of atmosphere at all seater stadia, at least the grounds like the one above (KC Stadium in Hull, if you are interested) mean that we get home after watching a football match. We need to be reminded that the alterations to these grounds and the removing of the fencing to pen in fans means that a tragedy like Hillsbrough can't happen again in this country. However, other countries are still learning the lessons.

The programme last night was a huge dose of perspective. Yes, I'll be disappointed if Newcastle United get relegated in May, but at least I'll be able to go to games next season - unlike those 96 folk who set out one sunny April morning to watch a game of two teams of men trying to kick a ball between a set of posts.

Anticipation

2009-04-10T07:33:00.005+01:00

Normally on a match day I wake up with a sense of hopeful anticipation, which this season has been crushed by the time that the full time whistle gets blown. I've woken up a day early with the deja vu of every football fan's affliction - PMT (that's pre-match tension). This manifests itself in many ways and occupies far to many of my diminishing thought processes.

One of the things that is bothering me is that I turned down a ticket for the game at Stoke tomorrow. This is something that I rarely do, but I had a couple of mitigating factors, firstly I'd hoped that I'd be away for the Easter break (a combination of lack of organisation and the expense of a weekend away in Glasgow put paid to that). Secondly, I went to the Britannia Stadium last year for the FA Cup game. As ever, it was a grim game (the only upside of it was that it proved to be Allardyce's last one in charge) by my pervading memory of the match was the simmering threat of violence that the Stoke fans seemed to exude. A year ago that was for a fairly inconsequential FA Cup game, the thought of the tension that would be about for a game that if we don't win will see Newcastle United so deep in the clarts* that the only likely outcome is relegation, made it a deeply unappealing game to want to shell out my hard-earned for.

Tomorrow's game is going to be crucial in so many ways, Shearer will have hopefully had some time to put his mark on the team, to get them playing as a coherent unit. Little Mickey Owen might decide to have one of those rare games that remind us why the club paid £16m for him. Beye is now fit again after the on pitch assault that was given to him at Wigan, and Bassong might be fit again... However, there are a lot of mights in the last couple of sentences. None of it helping my PMT.

By 7.00pm tomorrow this will all be over... until the next game that is.

* For the benefit of any non-Geordies reading this - clarts is a word, see, I'm multi-lingual as well!

Shearer is an Outlier

2009-04-04T07:36:00.006+01:00

I recently read a book... Cover to cover, one with no pictures in and one that barely even mentioned football (well it did, but it called it 'soccer'). The book is called Outliers and is about factors that come together to make people extra-ordinarily successful. Malcolm Gladwell gives loads of examples about the way in which things like circumstance can make people successful, culture makes people successful (there is a chapter on Korean Airlines that is both scary and brilliant) and he also talks about something called the 10,000 hour rule.

The 10,000 hour rule is about how to be successful you need to be obsessive in approach and put in loads of practice to be able to be successful. Galdwell mentions that one of the reasons that The Beatles were so successful was because of the amount of time that they spent on stage in Hamburg in the early 60's. It was due to that amount of effort put in that they perfected and honed their music and stage craft, all of which contributed to their success.

I was musing on this as the image of a football obsessed youngster is often recounted. A child with the desire to play football that is so strong that the description of them is that they "always had a ball at their feet". Its that obsession that has driven players like Beckham (who has characterised this as OCD) Messi and Rooney to get to the top of their profession. Just a shame then that some of the current NUFC squad see the ball, look slightly startled and then have to remember what they are supposed to be doing...

I suspect that the current incumbent in the dug-out at SJP was one of those obsessives. He'll have put in his 10,000 hours as a player, perfecting and honing his skill and understanding of the game. His muscle memory will have been perfected, so that most of the time he'll have been scoring goals without even thinking about what he had to do. It was this that allowed him to adapt his game as his body slowed down, and allowed him to still be productive as a player into his 30's.

However, as many have pointed out (including professional mackem - Louise Taylor) the part this is missing from Shearer's armory is his managerial experience. That may be, but he's been so steeped in the game for so long, and most importantly immersed in Newcastle United since those childhood times, that he does understand the workings of the club and the things that he needs to do.

Shearer may fail as a manager, he may not succeed in getting NUFC out of the parlous situation that the club is in. But one thing I'd guess is that Alan Shearer's 10,000 hour managerial clock is now running and he'll be driven enough to keep going until its reached the prerequisite level.

So, aside from the boost that every club gets as a new manager arrives, the arrival for the last eight games of the season will be a lifeline for little EMO... As no doubt he'll be freshly re-installed as captain and will probably start scoring again. EMO and Shearer are similar... but that's for another post... A point against Chelsea this afternoon will be a good start.

Howay the lads

Hometown Boy

2009-04-01T08:03:00.003+01:00

At the moment I only have a passing acquaintance with sleep and a very intimate relationship with insomnia (not the Charlie Zog variety I hasten to add)... So to help while away the hours of darkness I often listen to the radio... Last night(actually that should be this morning) I was counting my metaphorical sheep when the radio announcer issued a breaking sports news bulletin. "Alan Shearer is the new manager of Newcastle United" My interest has briefly piqued and then I remembered the date, tutted and went back to sleep.

However, I've got up this morning and apparently its true He's got until the end of the season and is in sole charge... So the rumours about Dennis Wise being on his way must be true, although I should imagine that Kinnear's recovery isn't going as hoped as the rumours that have been circulating this week about him taking over Wise's job look to have some semblance of truth in them.

As ever, the odds are stacked in Shearer's favour. Eight games to keep the club in the Premiership and if he doesn't succeed then he can walk away blaming the mess of the last 8 months on the previous incumbents with his reputation untarnished. However, if he does turn around this Titanic of a club then the comparisons with Keegan will echo down the years. It's going to be an interesting time, and despite my reservations about what Shearer's personality will be like for the club, at least he's answered the call. As NUFC.com say

Shearer becomes our fourth manager of a mad season and while he's totally unproven in the job, has more feeling for this club in his spit than Kinnear and Hughton combined.

So the hometown boy returns... somehow I guess the remaining tickets for Saturday's game will be sold out before lunchtime.... As ever interesting times at SJP.

Shirt Wars

2009-03-28T14:50:00.006Z

As I mentioned before I went to the Hull game (I was far too traumatised after it to write a match report - perhaps best encapsulated in a four letter word... poor) in fact far the best part of the day was me and the Favourite Nephew spending time together. We saw several odd sights, not least of which was this dog, resplendent in a replica shirt. You probably can't make it out from the photo, but it appeared to be signed by several of the Hull first team.

Several random thoughts flashed through my head at this odd sight, how did the owner persuade the dog to put it on in the first place?, did the dog wee on it every time he wore it? and did the owner have to try several on the dog before getting the right size? I had visions of him stomping into the changing room in the club shop shouting "sit" with an armful of different sized shirts. The need to dress your pet up in the colours of your team, is a little excessive, even for me.

Last Sunday, I was picking my way through the Sunday paper when I stumbled on a mildly interesting article, about Sports Direct trying to prevent the restructuring of JJB Sports in order to see one of its main competitors go bust. Two sellers of replica shirts having a scrap. It was interesting as the respective companies are owned by Mike Ashley and Dave Whelan, who also own NUFC and Wigan Athletic respectively. I'd been aware of Ashley and Whelan clashing before, as apparently Ashley had reported JJB Sports and others of fixing the prices of football shirts, which led to a OFT enquiry and subsequent fines (JJB's was £8.3m - or one and a half Titus Brambles').

I'd guess that this was the final straw for Dave Whelan, who then decided to launch into attacking Ashley via numerous media outlets, including an interview with Radio 5 Live. Have a listen to it...I found it almost comical, the epitome of pique. I half expected him to finish off with a "and anyway, my Dad's bigger than his" and then flounce off in some sort of hissy fit. As ever the chaps at NUFC.com sum it up :-

It's a bit of cheap, sh*t-stirring based more on personal and business grievances than any football gripes and says more about Whelan's lack of class than Ashley's and that's saying something....

But one part of Whelan's tirade really bothers me, the assertion that Steve Bruce would never come to manage Newcastle. I know that the line was fed to him by the interviewer, but why on earth does he think that Newcastle would want Steve Bruce as a manager? The team has suffered having a plethora of managers, temporary managers, assistants, and part-time managers this season already, the last thing needed would Steve Bruce tipping up at the steps of SJP, claiming he knew how to keep the Toon in the Premiership merely because he understands the accent. I've said it before (on more than one occasion) Steve Bruce should never manage Newcastle United, his style would be as detrimental as Allardyce's was for the club.

However, the thing that does worry me, is was this Whelan trying to fob off Bruce onto Ashley? A sort of "you couldn't possibly afford him" type of statement, intending to goad Ashley into digging deep into his pockets and inflicting Bruce on the fans... Maybe its just paranoia brought on by being in the relegation zone, but I wonder...

Off now for a lie down in a dark room, with a damp towel on my forehead... waiting for the mists to lift.

Predictions

2009-03-21T07:29:00.010Z

As NUFC stumble towards the end of the season, the prospect of starting next season in the Championship is an increasingly real one. There are some bald facts, the squad isn't good enough, the players that we have out injured aren't coming back quick enough to make a difference, the team have already drawn too any games that they should have won (last Saturday being a case in point) and most importantly, the games that we have left to play are against better opposition than teams around us.

Yesterday's result was no surprise, I expected to lose against Arsenal and the lads didn't disappoint. What was perhaps more telling was that even though it was live on the TV, I didn't watch it. This wasn't some hissy fit protest over the rubbish that I traveled to watch at Hull (although it was tempting), simply real life got in the way. I was coming back home from visiting my Mother, it being Mothering Sunday and being unable to get to see her on the actual day. But, like Y I, Mum I chose not to watch the game. It was so predicable that Newcastle would slip into the bottom 3, and I can't really see us clambering out from that spot before May.

For a start look at the games left to play:-

Chelsea (h)
Stoke (a)
Tottenham (a)
Portsmouth (h)
Liverpool (a)
Smoggies (h)
Fulham (h)
Villa (a)

Even with my most optimistic head on, I can see only two wins and maybe a lucky draw from that lot. Which would make NUFC's points total 36, which isn't going to be enough.

The other thing is that Newcastle are simply playing worse than most of the teams around us, West Brom and the Smoggies excepted. No wins for the last five games and only 3 goals scored tells its own story.

What may be the final nail in the relegation coffin is the lose yesterday of Bassong. The only player to come out of this season with any real credit, a maturing young defender, and probably the best centre half I've seen in a black and white shirt since Woodgate managed to play two games on the trot for Newcastle. It isn't a coincidence that Arsenal scored their goals yesterday after he went off.

It's not going to be pretty over the next 8 games, but I believe it will be Blackpool next season, rather than Blackburn (which may be a blessing, at least it will be an Allardyce free zone)

Metaphorical Football

2009-03-14T07:35:00.009Z

Early on a Saturday morning, I'm up and about and preparing to go to a game. Its that wonderful quietness of an unsullied day, combined with the fervent hope that Newcastle United will make my 300 mile round trip worthwhile. Calm and excitement, stillness and anticipation all combining.

As ever, I find my mind wandering and in an attempt to think happy thoughts - I cast my mind back to the 95/96 season... The season of the 'ohhhh... that was close, maybe next year' for NUFC or the Keegan 'I'd just love it' season for those non-NUFC delusionalists. In fact, its with the benefit of hindsight that 95/96 season was the high-point of the last fifty years, Newcastle United (Sky dubbed the team "The Entertainers" - imagine that being applied to the current squad!) 12 points ahead at Christmas and then managing to come second...

I recall that season so well, I'd just moved to the North-West, and living and working near so many Manure fans was a challenge to say the least. Admittedly, it was a self inflicted challenge - as I'd got my gloating in early... before their team woke up, overhauled our lead with Ferguson allowing Keegan to implode with one of his best examples of mind-games ever (Benetiz please read your history books, you ain't going to win this one). The highs and lows of that season were so intense. I recall the most amazing game that I'd ever seen at SJP, when Newcastle completely battered Manure, and thanks almost entirely to a Dane and a Frenchman, Manure won 1-0. Then we all knew that things were slipping away. That was nothing thought to the pain of a televised 2-1 defeat at Blackburn, leading with 5 mins to go, only for a Geordie lad, Graham Fenton to score two goals against us - and effectively destroy any remaining hope that Newcastle United had of winning the league.

So, now that the history lesson is over, if I fast forward to today, one of the reasons that I started thinking about 95/96 season is that the performance against Manure was a watershed for that season, the team played extraordinarily well, but ended up empty handed. Sound familar? Perhaps Newcastle didn't play extraordinarily well in 2009, but it was a huge improvement on the complete garbage that I've witnessed over the past few months. With a pessimistic head on, I wonder if this will have the same effect as 13 years ago? If Newcastle do end up loosing against Hull today, it will have a disastrous effect on our season, just in the same way that Blackburn did...

Its also interesting to see what the ultimate effect of coming second had on the team - the same league position was achieved the next season, but without any of the panache or self-belief and ultimately the squad then disassembled and migrated back to the more lucrative areas of the Premiership, for those who were good enough. The what-ifs are legion, if Cantona hadn't managed to squeeze that ball into the back of the net, or if Graham bloody Fenton had said on the morning of the game that his ankle injury wasn't good enough for him even to be on the subs bench then everything could have been so different.

The last couple of weeks have been challenging ones for me in my job, I've experienced coming second as well for something that was important, and also combined with something that I expected to at least reach the semi final of.. and didn't. I've done a load of 'what-if' thinking and concluded that its important to learn, but not to obsess on the past.

It's time for me to move on - and its time for NUFC to move on... I'll be the lunatic at the KC Stadium, screeching for more effort and commitment from EMO (who appears in the press to be charging in on his white steed to rescue the whole of the season for Newcastle) and Graham Fenton will be completely forgotten.

Howay the Lads

Building site

2009-03-01T19:15:00.008Z

Bolton 1 Toon 0

As you can see from the picture, this was a grim game. The storm clouds overhead were a portent of doom for the Toon. To keep stretching the analogy, Newcastle resembled a team of hod carriers, whereas Bolton weren't a team of master craftsmen either. The best description of this game that I can think of is turgid... with more emphasis on the turd.

Stevie Taylor, Shola and Enrique were awful, Butt and Martins weren't much better and only Ryan Taylor showed any heart for the game. It was a sad indictment of Newcastle's midfield that Gavin McCann and Matt Taylor (yes, 3 Taylor's on the pitch - their ought to be law against it) completely ran the midfield after the first 20 mins. Oh, and the lack of potency in our attack allowed Andy O'Brien to look like a competent centre half again... and we know that's not true.

Two notable moments from the game - Peter Reid taking his seat in a box, directly behind the away fans... and graciously bowing as he was serenaded with "Sad mackem bastard" Just who thought it was a good idea to give him a seat there? A masterpiece of planning that one! A bloke in front of me said "he'll probably be our next manager"... a chilly shudder went around those who heard..

The second was one of those things that I never thought that I'd hear at a football game, said in a stage whisper... "Pet, I think I'm lactating"

Ah, the joys of going to football with a new mother.

Roll on Wednesday - I'd guess Manure will put double figures past the scaffolded defence.

Effective Communication

2009-02-28T08:24:00.007Z

Apologies for my tardiness, I've been away for a few days and also managed to do what every English person abroad does - get food poisoning, hence my lack of recent posts. Mind you, I was slightly surprised to be suffering from the dicky-tummy syndrome when I'd ventured as far abroad as Scotland... They really are taking this independence lark onto the next stage now.

I opted for the train to Glasgow, which was a rare luxury for me, letting miles and miles of countryside whip past the outside of the window without any of the stress of having to get to a place at a particular time. I managed to do civilised things like read all of the Sunday paper in one go and even read some fiction (although the line between news and fiction is increasingly blurred). There were a few downsides, the odorous man who got on the train at Preston, the closure of west-coast route for the way back meaning that the journey was extended by an additional three hours, and the tea at a thermo-nuclear temperature, but that was far outweighed by the joy of people watching.

One example of this was three guys who got on the train at Edinburgh, laden with cans. The discussion started before the train left the station about football, and they didn't stop for breath until they got off at Newcastle. By eavesdropping it was apparent that they were Hearts fans, they were going to SJP to watch Toon v Everton because they wanted to see a Premiership game (lads, you picked a duff one 0-0 and a dull game), they hated Rangers and knew loads about all European football. The think was that these weren't teenagers playing out a latest fad, one of them was in his 50's and the other two were mid-30's. It's easy to be glib and suggest that football stops them talking about the 'real' things... but the passion that they had for 22 men kicking a mock pigs bladder about the pitch was enormous.

This week on the NUFC front has seen more of the Llambias charm offensive take place - an reduction in the season ticket costs, a interview with the local radio station (and available as one of those new fangled podcasts... Whatever next!) and finally an admission that the debacle with Keegan has hurt the club, the management and the team. No doubt, it will also hit the finances of the club in the longer term as well. Its taken six months for this admission, no doubt the board tried the 'if we ignore it, they'll go away' approach, but there was no way that would work, then they tried the 'if you don't like us we'll leave' approach... Which also failed. So, now its the 'ahem, sorry about that' approach. He had the good grace to admit that the PR was naive - but that just showed the lack of understanding. Too little, too late... damage has been done, and I'm not sure its repairable. Trust has gone.

Contrast Llambias' and NUFC's stance with what has happened at Aston Villa this week. They trek to Moscow with an under-strengh team and get dumped out of the Uefa Cup. Needless to say the 300 Villa fans who shelled out to follow their club felt more than a bit duped. Villa's response? Invite all those fans to attend a dinner at the club, meet O'Neill and the players and they've immediately diffused any negative PR. Simple isn't it?

Footnote to my Glasgow trip - check out a new band Skint and Demoralised. Great songs, great lyrics and a great night out.

Heartfelt

2009-02-14T11:32:00.004Z

Somehow it feels appropriate, it being Valentines day, to be talking about affairs of the heart. However, these particular affairs are managerial and corporate ones, rather than any type of love interest. As JFK falls under the knife for a triple heart bypass, he joins a lengthy list of unfit NUFC staff in the treatment room. Its probably the least surprising 'injury' of the whole of the season.

For all his legion of faults, JFK does wear his heart on his sleeve (no pun intended), he shows his emotions (just ask the Daily Mirror journalist) and no doubt this all adds to the pressure. He's not a spring chicken and he had a past history of heart trouble. So, when the reports came through last week that he'd been taken to hospital prior to the WBA game, all sorts of alarm bells started to ring in my head (maybe that's tinnitus though). I also would guess that the club has had some inkling of this - why else did Colin Calderwood turn up at SJP a couple of weeks ago? It may be just my suspicious nature, but he was appointed first team coach... If so, what has Chris Hughton's role? His job title may be Assistant Manager, but it didn't make sense to to me at the time. After this weeks news it all has become so much clearer.

Perhaps the club should be congratulated for showing some foresight, some secession planning. Or maybe they just got 'lucky'. There has also been some other media deflection this week, with Llambias, the Managing Director making his first set of prouncements. I've complained about the poor media relations in the past, and maybe this is the first steps to try and do things properly. Perhaps, the twelve bore has been removed from the foot of NUFC for a while... I just hope that that the club remember that its still loaded.

In the meantime I read one of the best posts about the state of NUFC from a national journalist that I've seen in a long time - have a look at this, if you haven't already seen it. I agree with (just about) every word.

Weakly round up

2009-02-07T07:11:00.008Z

I've been away for most of this week, so I've been watching from afar, which has provided a useful distance to evaluate the ahem, comings and goings at SJP.

Firstly, there was the derby match. There was a fantastic gathering of the clans in front of the TV at my house. Favourite Nephew brought Favourite Niece with him, to match her first game (and she admitted that 'it was ok' - high praise indeed from a 13 year old. Additionally, Erin saw her first Toon game, well, when I say saw - she slept through it as only a one-month old can. The thing about having few youngsters dotted about the place is that its fairly effective at keeping the expletive count low... Which is only slightly inhibiting. That said, I was busy roundly berating Taylor when he fell over in the penalty area, chuntering something like "You ejiit, you'll get booked for that" as Howard Webb pointed to the spot...

I enjoyed the game in an odd way, for many of the wrong reasons; the mackems didn't win, it was good to see the team play as a team for once, Newcastle seemed to have a bit pace and purpose for once, Gutierrez was the best player on the pitch, Bassong is looking like a real defender... I also couldn't help thinking that if that sort of performance had been given at Eastlands, we'd be 3 points better off as City couldn't have coped with any sort of sustained threat. Oh, and one of the best moments was the TV camera panning around the corporate boxes, and settling on Shearer, lustily belting out the Blaydon Races. Indeed he is a fan.

As the rest of the week fluttered on, the transfer window shut not so much with a slam for Newcastle but with an apologetic click. Given and N'Zogbia leaving for destinations in the North West, and Nolan and Ryan Taylor moving the other way along the M62. It's interesting that both Given and N'Zogbia have both taken departing swipes at the club. Given complaining that the last 6 months has been unpleasant (Shay, at least you haven't parted with any cash to watch games, try it from the terraces.) Whereas Charlie Zog joined a long list of French players at Newcastle who failed to settle and then flounced off in a huff with a few well chosen words of disappointment. Charlie, I hate to break it to you, but Ginola, Distin, Bernard, Boumsong, Charvet, Domi and even Louis Saha have all beaten a path over the Tyne Bridge, only to shortly leave in the opposite direction very quickly. Welcome to a long list.

The final newsworthy item was that Keegan has blamed his speeding on the A69 on the Toon as well. What will Newcastle get blamed for next?... Nah, I'm not going to answer that one, it'll probably come true.

Today its the Baggies, away. Another, must win game... relegation 6 pointer... and all the other cliches that Sky will trot out... Lets see... Howay the lads

Sensitive Soul

2009-01-31T07:17:00.006Z

Man City 2 Toon 1

For a match review please see Ten Thousand Holes - if the players can't be bothered to perform better than they did at Blackburn, then I can't be bothered to write a report. However, I commend the comment from Michael - who said it would happen again... It did.

Following on in the tradition of using comments from folk around me to sum up the match, this time from City fans.
Man 1 - "They were awful, weren't they?"
Man 2 - "Yeah, terrible"
"Worse than Hull?"
"Yeah - at least Hull showed some spirit, Newcastle didn't"

I buried my head in my coat and continued scuttling up the hill to find my car - firmly biting on my lower lip. The main reason for my reaction was simple, I was embarrassed. To check my ailing memory, I got back and looked up the City v Hull score - 5 - 0.

Of course the embarrassment has continued since then. N'Zogbia taking umbrage at JFK's mispronunciation of his name, and flouncing off to a big club in a galic manner... err, Wigan that I'll be then. If Charlie has got upset by being called "Insomnia" by his manager, how do you think he would have coped being managed by Bobby Robson. It's a good job Shola Ameobi has thicker skin... Bobby called him "Carl Court" at least once. Needless to say the press has jumped all over it, using it to point an accusing finger in the face NUFC and jibe that no one is happy [which, coming to think about it is probably accurate] On the embarrassment continues.

One thing that this defeat does seem to have provoked is some reaction in the transfer market. I was completely underwhelmed at first by the signing of Kevin Nolan. I never liked him when he played against us, combative and whining at the same time and he seemed to promise a lot going forward, but not ever really deliver it. However, after thinking about it a while, the buying of Nolan does make sense. The spirit that the City fans saw as missing, could well be provided by Nolan - also he appears to be a leader, another thing that is sadly lacking on the pitch at NUFC.

The result of this game does make Sunday against the mackems vital now. Even if this wasn't a derby game, 3 points against a team who are 3 points better off than us in the table is a statement that the Toon is going in the right direction, a loss and I'm checking out which Championship grounds I'll be visiting next season.

One footnote to the City game: De Jong had one of the best debuts I've seen for a long time, I classy hard tackling midfielder, quick and reads the game really well. I just wish that Newcastle had been in the market to attract a player like him to the team, rather than Nolan. Ho Hummm

Accountability?

2009-01-23T21:29:00.009Z

Seeing as the Toon won't be troubling any statisticians on the pitch this weekend, I've been giving the latest NUFC accounts some thought. Some of the 'highlights' include

Total wage bill: £62.3 m - up from £52.1m in 2007
Monies owed to Allardyce: £4.6m
Amount Ashley paid for club: £134.4m
Extra cash Ashley has poured into club: £110m
Total loss for year ending June 2008: £20m

One of the most concerning things for Ashley must be the size of the wage bill. The turnover is about £100m and the wage bill is at about 65% of that. Apparently the accepted safe limit in terms of percentage is around 50%. Therefore, the natural assumption is (as George Caulkin in the Times Online says)

"This may explain why the club have been eager to cut the salaries of senior professionals such as Michael Owen, Nicky Butt and Steve Harper, all of whom are out of contract this summer, provoking disaffection in the dressing-room. "

I had to read the sentence several times, to understand what Caulkin is saying - not that EMO, Butt and Harper are causing the unrest but that the unrest is caused because of the need to cut salaries. I guess this makes sense in the face of declining revenue - when was the last time SJP sold out? There are still tickets on sale for the mackem game, which has to be a first. Financially there is a conundrum, is it more important to shift EMO off the wage bill or hope his goals keep the Toon in the Premiership? It's a tough call, but ultimately it boils down to either a long or short term strategy. I'd guess it will be the latter as Ashley isn't showing signs of moving on, but its going to require a large amount of holding of nerve, which we haven't seen thus far from the current management team. Also these figures sound a large claxon-like Family Fortunes electronic farting noise to the prospect of any new signings in the January transfer window.

As for the pay-off for Allardyce, yes, its obscene amount of money for the seven months of purgatory that he inflicted on the club, but the pay off will (I'd assume) been dictated by the contract that was negotiated prior to the Ashley regime. What will be interesting to see is how much the Keegan pay off will be? No doubt we'll have to wait another 12 months before we can find out, but it will be interesting to see if its a similar amount. I wonder which enhancements could have been made to the playing staff for that amount of money? Allardyce's pay-off alone would have bought either Bullard or Heskey... Now there's a thought.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that Allardyce should have stayed, nor even that I feel any sympathy for the current incumbent of the SJP boardroom. I just feel that its been so much waste and instability that shows no signs of stopping. Stability is what this club is crying out for, on the pitch, in the dug-out and finally in the directors box. But that's not how the roller-coaster ride plays out, is it?

Anyway, hopefully the players will have been making good use of the free time this weekend, especially Barton/Enrique and Carroll/N'Zogbia. It would be great to see a team performing at Man City on Wednesday - but, seeing as I'm going and the scars of the Blackburn game haven't faded from my memory as yet; I'd be surprised.

Ten thousand holes

2009-01-18T21:56:00.007Z

Blackburn 3 Toon 0

By god this was a grim game.

I think the most telling comment from the whole day was an overheard one.

If you can picture the scene... It's now dark, the wind is driving rain into our faces so hard that it stings, we are trudging up a hill with an incline of about 1 in 4 (in old money). We've just seen an abject display by a group of individuals in black and white shirts (note: not a team); a journeyman striker (pictured on the front of the programme) has put two goals past us and the other was from a dodgy penalty. We know we are plummeting down the table and we will be in serious trouble soon. One of our senior players (well, in age anyway) has been sent off, and then blasted the ball at the referee (he missed, of course) and then our returning 'star' and Stevie G wannabee (when not being detained at Her Majesty's pleasure) then decides to start a fight with our Spanish left-back - again they can't even muster the enthusiasm for anything more than a bit of finger wagging and a push.

So, the conversation by the two guys in the black and white shirts in front of me went something like this (I've removed the expletives for those of a gentle disposition.)

Man One - *sigh* "That was poor"
Man Two - "Aye, but the football was just a bonus part of the day. At least we've got out of the house"
Man One - "Aye, true"

I've decided that this exchange is a healthy perspective. Sanguine was an understatement. I can't take this seriously anymore (well not until the derby game anyway). Bastardising Mark Twain's quote

- Newcastle United, a good Saturday afternoon spoiled -

I've warned the Favourite Nephew that if he doesn't behave - I'll take him to some more away games.... That should keep him on the straight and narrow. So that game is behind us now. Lets just forget it ever happened.

One small prediction. If Kaka signs for Manchester City this week (I'm still cringing at the obscenity of the numbers on this transfer) his home debut is quite likely to be a midweek game against the Toon. I wonder what odds will be on Mr Barton welcoming him to the Premiership with a tackle that does him some serious damage? Written in the stars that one...

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder

2009-01-17T11:49:00.006Z

I'm such a creature of habit. For instance, have you noticed how often I blog on a Saturday morning? Its becoming part of my weekend ritual (and far more pleasurable than many other mundanitites - is that a word? if not it should be - of my Saturday mornings, like doing the washing, cleaning etc.) I seem to need the framework of routine in order to get things done.

One of my 'habits' is to give up booze for the month of January. There are some sound reasons for this :-

1. The need to dry out after the excess of the festive season
2. To prove that I can
3. To save cash as a result of number 1
4. To break the habit of looking at the football scores and immediately reaching for the Merlot/Lager/Southern Comfort/Bleach (delete as appropriate according to the atrociousness of the result)

Normally this isn't too much of a problem - however I never quite make it to the end of the month, as some party or event crops up where you are expected to toast the happy couple/new offspring/divorcee (again, delete as appropriate).

The downside of this is that I always have to 'cope' with the demise of another year of Newcastle United's hopes of winning something stone cold sober. I had to suffer the game against Hull via t'inteweb Radio Newcastle - and even the partisan commentators couldn't put anything much positive on the game. There seemed to be such an air of inevitability about the game, it was only ever going to get settled by one goal - and it was unlikely that Newcastle would score it. Hull are a poor team - but they were better than Newcastle on Wednesday. Depressingly true and I can't even seek solace in the bottom of a pint pot at the moment.

Oh well, another day, another game. Blackburn this afternoon, a chance to put one over Allardyce. As ever travelling more in hope than anticipation. Just had the phone call confirming that their are tickets for me and the Favourite Nephew - looking forward to catching up with everyone. Meeting in Blackburn at 2.00pm.... in the pub. Doh!

Howay the lads

Money Talks

2009-01-09T22:23:00.011Z

As I've mentioned before, I travel a lot with my work. I love The frustration that comes with flitting around the UK is the inevitable delays. However, in the "every cloud and sliver lining" category it means I listen to a lot of either radio or podcasts. Nothing quite helps relieve the tedium of the M6 than a radio show that either a) makes me laugh or b) gets me so involved that I end up, ahem, 'discussing the content with the presenter [translation - I shout at the radio in a manic way alarming anyone else stuck in the traffic jam that can see me]

This week I found myself so engrossed in a discussion on Radio5Live that I arrived home and ended up spending 15 minutes parked outside my house, in the car listening to the end of a panel discussion. Despite enhancing my reputation with my neighbours' as the street eccentric, I was intrigued by a programme "Finance in Football". This was an state-of-the-nation look at the Premiership business models and what was expected to happen as the recession bites. The panel consisted of Robert Preston (BBC correspondent who is bringing a new meaning to 'ubiquitous'), John Madejski (Chairman of Reading) and Keith Harris (an investment banker).

The reason that it was so interesting was that Harris isn't just a grey-suited money man; he's had a long involvement in football. From what I can gather he was instrumental in the early days of seeing ways of making vast sums of money from football as he was involved in the ITV Digital TV contracts that started the split of money between the Premiership and the rest of the football league, right the way through to him brokering the deal for Man City to be sold to Shinawatra. There were several really interesting things discussed; Liverpool being the most 'at risk' club from a financial background because of the way that their debt was structured, West Ham being quite likely to go under by the end of the season as well as Harris' involvement in selling clubs.

However, the bit that had me stuck in the drivers seat was Harris' assessment of saleable clubs at the moment. He has been tasked with selling West Ham, Everton and Newcastle. He thinks that Newcastle is one of the best placed to be sold - large loyal fanbase, one-club city, huge stadium and large robust merchandising sales. Needless to say he was then pushed to say why Ashley hadn't managed to shift the club when it had been touted around the super-rich as the next new shiny toy. Harris' explanation was that the club had come very close to being sold to an American investor, but this deal had collapsed due to the investor loosing 'millions' to Madoff's Ponzi scheme

It was just as well I'd parked by this time... because you really couldn't make it up. Newcastle United - after suffering decades of mis-management off the pitch are bought by Mike Ashley, a multi-millionaire who has so little understanding of the business that he neglects to do the due diligence to uncover that transfer fees are paid in installments, and then the club is almost sold to someone who has been conned out of millions. If it wasn't the club I supported then I'd be laughing.... as it is I'm just increasingly bewildered. The worst of it was that Harris thought this was perfectly reasonable.

I have a feeling that Ashley is now in it for the long haul - he'll need to protect his investment (keep the club in the Premiership) whilst imposing tight financial controls (no new players of note, 17th place will do). The only consolation is that at least Newcastle aren't in as much of a mess off the pitch as West Ham. Today's game will be a good clue as to which club is in a worse state on the pitch... Apparently they've got some bloke called Dyer playing for them.

Finally, welcome to the newest member of the Toonarmy - Erin Baird, born last weekend to a couple of fellow Toon sufferers . Erin, I intend to take my duties as your "Fairy Toon-mother" very seriously indeed and look forward to indoctrinating you, as I have done with the Favourite Nephew. Remember the old adage "nothing in red and white is any good - whatsoever"

BTW - it wasn't the same Keith Harris as the one in the picture... In case you wondered....

Leaking Sieves

2009-01-03T09:28:00.005Z

I found myself looking at the official NUFC site today. This isn't something that I do on a regular basis. There are a couple of reasons for this, firstly it is one of the most poorly designed websites that I've the misfortune to visit - a crass amalgamation of random adverts and poor navigation. In fact I've never forgiven them for years ago when to access the site you had to register, the worst example trying to collect a marketing database that I've ever known.

The second reason for not visiting the site is that it tells its own version of the truth that would make even Pravda in its heyday blush. The official NUFC site tells its own version of the 'truth' in a mind-numbing ostrich style - I don't expect criticism of the board or even of players - but when one of the most prominent post-match comments after the Liverpool game was "Reds Star Pays Tribute to Mag-nificent Geordies" its really toeing the party line too far. No mention of the result? Ah, well we only lost 1-5; no mention that the "Reds Star" then went out and got arrested for punching a DJ? Nope, not that either. It must be a lovely world that NUFC.co.uk inhabit - lets just ignore any of the bad stuff and make it another 'good news' day.

The reason I was trawling around the official website (I think there may be an h missing from that last word) was I wanted to find out the name of the Newcastle United Press Officer*. Why? Well, mainly because I want to know what on earth this person does for their wages. It seems to be that the club piles one gaff on top of another. Why is it that other clubs seem to be able to control the flow of information and misinformation from within? I know that Manure do it by Ferguson refusing to speak to a lot of them, which does have the effect of staunching many of the rumours that come from Old Trafford. However, when Allardyce tried it at Newcastle the press just printed whatever they wanted anyway. Wenger sometimes gets a rough ride at Arsenal but overall most clubs seem to be able to keep some stuff behind closed doors and stop misinformation leaking all over the place.

In the leaky information sieve that is Newcastle United the Press Office must spend all its time looking for a plug. This week has been no exception, the diary runs something like this
Sunday: Newcastle get hammered by Liverpool, at home, live on the telly
Monday: JFK hails Given as the best keeper in the Premiership
Wednesday: Transfer window opens
Thursday: Shay's 'solicitor' says that he is despondent and is considering is future at the club
Friday: JFK has a cup of coffee with Shay and declares he's not for sale. Also, ominously, Wenger states that he's not interested in Given.

I fully expect that Given will leave, and I don't blame him. His stock has risen, he's playing some of the best football of his career and he isn't going to win anything at Newcastle. He needs to move if he wants some medals to show his Grand kids (apart from the Inter Toto Cup Winners medal that is). I joked before the Liverpool game that Given was playing for his place.... at Arsenal.

The thing that concerns me is why on earth does the whole charade get played out in the press? I know the argument that its because Newcastle United are a one-club town, but any press office or press officer worth their wages would be able to control some of this... Owen and now Given, it just all adds up to the comedy of a club that Newcastle United has become.

* Needless to say, the website doesn't name the Press Officer - or if it does I couldn't navigate my way to find it.

Thank you, Mr Ashley

2008-12-28T10:37:00.004Z

Thanks Mike - just as the retail sector is gearing up for clearance bargains, you've decided to take the club off the market. Presumably you didn't fancy hawking a £200 million+ 'asset' around a marketplace already saturated with Woolies and Zavvi cast offs.

I wonder how many fans are going to choke on their pre-match hot dogs as they read in the programme :-

"For me 2009 will be the year in which we drive the club forward together"

Forward? Well, I suppose its a better direction than downwards. I keep hoping that there is a plan here somewhere...But I doubt it. I had to use this image... a barcode, not being sold...

I know that today's game will be remembered for one thing - that will be the tributes that are being paid to a great man - who has more dignity in his little finger than Ashley seems to have ever had. Sir Bobby Robson. Watch and learn Mike.

Pies, Damn Pies, and Statistics

2008-12-27T19:15:00.008Z

Wigan 2 Toon 1

Well for 70 minutes was groundhog day... Boxing day at Wigan.. Spending the afternoon sandwiched between fully-grown, slightly inebriated, men dressed as Santa (including one guy who seemed to think that Santa wore a hat and boxers... and nowt else. It was freezing and he was tinged with a purple hue by the end of the game), Tweety Pie, Sylvester (the cartoon one, not the disco diva) four Smurfs, Darth Vader (a very weedy Darth at that) and numerous Spidermen. Watching Ryan Taylor score against a woeful Newcastle side and then seeing a spiteful, excessively aggressive Wigan midfield attempt to kick any creativity out of the game. It was as though I was reliving every game for the past four years at the JJB again and again... They say that you don't remember pain, until something painful happens to you again - well I'd say its true, because halfway through the first half, I just knew I'd experienced this level of angst before.

But then, just as I was cursing (which I do loudly and often) my sheer stupidity at trekking to deepest darkest Lancashire to watch the turgid fare that Wigan against Newcastle always is, I think that the referee got bored. I really can't think of any other explanation for Mike Dean's bizarrely erratic decisions towards the end of the game. At first he seemed to be happy to let the game flow (well, it would have done if the players had been up to doing anything as creative at 'flowing') but then Cattermole decided to stamp his authority onto the game.. literally. His actions had already cost Newcastle the services of Barton in the game at SJP, and now he's put Habib Beye out of the game for a considerable period of time. Git. Anyway, Dean decided that a yellow card would suffice.

In the second half Dean got even worse. He decided to give a penalty for a foul that was committed midway inside the half and that the lineman had given a full 20 yards outside the penalty area. Not content with that he sent off Bassong for the foul. Git. He then booked both Duff and Butt for having the gall to point out his ineptness at giving incorrect decisions. Almost as though he wanted to redress the balance, he then gave a penalty for a foul on Andy Carroll for a challenge by Kirkland that most goalkeepers would have gotten away with. But, of course he couldn't be consistent... he just booked Kirkland. Dean's final act of card-happy madness was to book Carroll for being fouled in the penalty area... Now, call me a traditionalist, but isn't that supposed to be a penalty? Double git.

The upshot of Mike 'git' Dean's invention was positive in a small way though - it was the most exciting end to a game at Wigan I've ever seen. Newcastle should have got a point at the end, if only Duff could have remembered that he needed to put the ball between the posts and and not around it. However, the negatives far outweigh any positives - for a team that was defensively light anyway; the loss of Beye, Enrique and Bassong is catastrophic. Liverpool tomorrow must be licking their collective lips and polishing their shooting boots at the thought of coming up against a very makeshift defence.

Wigan is famous for its pies - I assume that's what crossed Viduka's mind as he got halfway through the second half... "Humm, I'm a bit peckish - I think I'll see if the pie shop is open" so he wandered off the pitch and down the tunnel. The chants of "you're not fit to wear the shirt" were sung in anger rather than irony, but works on both levels.

So, thank you Mike Dean and Mark Viduka - 24 hours on and I'm still very angry at both of you. Gits.

Dear Santa

2008-12-21T19:46:00.006Z

Well, Santa, I'm in a bit of a quandary...

Six games unbeaten and wins in the last two, the giddy heights of 12th place in the league have been attained and I find myself looking up at possible top ten place before the start of 2009. I'm also still in a state of shock that the goal scorers today were N'Zogbia and Duff - and I almost fainted when I saw the highlights and discovered that not only did Viduka play for 50 mins, but he also created the winner. Not only that but we've beaten Spurs, and I've just seen a dejected 'Arry Rednapp interview... Which has brought me a suprising amount of Christmas cheer.

So, Mr Claus, I'm in the habit of of asking for the 3 points on Boxing Day at Wigan (see last years list ) and I'm wondering if I should ask for something different this year. By my reckoning I've been to see Newcastle V Wigan four times and I've never seen us win.. in fact I've never seen us play even remotely well at the JJB.

So rather than ask for the traditional 3 points against Wigan from Father Christmas, I'm going to ask for a cracking game, a team display and JFK's happy face on the telly afterwards. I'm taking the Favourite Nephew to this match for his Xmas pressie... (But he doesn't know yet, so don't tell him... ) I just hope at 5.00pm on Friday he thanks me for it.

Thanks Santa

Reflections on the Party Season

2008-12-20T09:21:00.011Z

I used to work in banking....Christmas office parties were always produced a mixture of trepidation and anxiety. Traditionally the time for eating/drinking too much, telling your work colleagues what you really think of them (a years pent-up frustration can be a very dangerous thing) before finally getting round to abusing the photocopier creating facsimiles of body parts - all whilst wearing a slightly torn serrated paper hat. I then went to work in HE, the parties weren't that different, except we always had to go to pubs that students didn't frequent.. often a challenge.

As you may have guessed by the level of cynicism, I've never enjoyed these type of events - usually opting for the "I'll show my face and then slope off early" approach. However, this week the dreaded office party came around; and maybe its the different industry (I work for a software company) or maybe its because I'm older...But I quite enjoyed it. Much playing of Wii's and general natter with colleagues that often you don't spend enough time talking to during the usual working day.

Now, being as I work in software, a lot of my colleagues blog. Some are purely technology based and some are very general. As the conversation at the party meandered to blogging, a colleague, Nadeem, remarked that he thought it was odd that I just blogged about football. That got me thinking (keep awake at the back... I'll get round to the point shortly). When I first started this blog I had three aims, to vent my frustration, to keep a record of my views and to encourage me to hone my writing (ahem) skills. I think I've achieved this, but Nad's comment made me review my posts over the last year or so.

It's an interesting thing to do, what I didn't realise is that I seem to have wittered on over the past year on two main themes...

1. The manipulation of facts by the media in order to feed on Newcastle fans hunger for 'news'. And never letting something trivial like a fact get in the way of a good headline. See here for one of many examples
2. The disruption to the traditional business of football that has been caused by the huge amounts of money that has been poured into the game and the effect that has on the people who buy that product because they are fans and not consumers (well most of us anyway). See here and here for examples.

I guess my point is that yes, my thoughts are framed by football, but its a microcosm of many of the things that are going on in the world...

However, this bit IS about football. I'm still in shock since the result against Portsmouth last week... A group of us had watched it on the telly, and the end we were all slightly perplexed, the question was what do we usually do after an away win?? We couldn't remember. So, I really hope that we can carry on that form into the game against Spurs tomorrow. It feels like they owe us a home win... From Rednapp turning us down to them knocking a woeful shambles of a ex-Allardyce team out of the League Cup...Not least because of their odious mouth-piece, Dave Mason will no doubt be spouting his prejudices again... I hope EMO still has his mind on the for sale sign reminder to other clubs... A hat-trick and I'd almost start to like him...maybe.

Howay the Lads

(I wonder if the Newcastle players office party was spent discussing blogs? Somehow, I doubt it)

Pot, Kettle and Fish

2008-12-13T13:09:00.006Z

Ok, I'll admit it.... I'm starting to get obsessive about Owen's engineering of a move away from SJP. I understand that he's not happy with the way that the latter stages of his career is panning out. Not doubt he wants to winning medals, adding to his international caps and challenging some Portuguese bloke for the European Player of the Year. But instead he finds himself in a relegation scrapping side, with a club intent on pulling itself to bits and a manager who is admitting that he can't foresee EMO staying with us. Or at least that's what I think he means when he says:-

"I'm pretty confident about everybody else, but Michael is a different kettle of fish."

So, no co-incidence that EMO's form and fitness both pick up as the January transfer window approaches as his (alleged) £140k per week contract starts to wind down and he puts a huge sign on the back of his shirt saying "open to offers" and starts to hope that a more attractive club begins to show an interest. Earlier this year Man City were supposed to be interested in him... I said at the time that they could have him... I bet he'd give eye teeth to be going there now...

Part of me would happily see him walk away. He's got talent, but doesn't appear to have the application. It's frustrating, but as a player he just isn't motivated at Newcastle. He doesn't care about the club (and I understand that as well, why should he have an emotional attachment to his employer?) and I suspect that the money isn't really that important to him either - after all how much of Cheshire can a 28 year old want to own?

But the another part of me whats to see him scoring goals in a black and white shirt for a long time to come, for N'Zogbia, Duff and Gutierrez to be supplying him with crosses for elegantly taken goals and for him find the perfect striking partner with Viduka... Oh, and also the sun will always be shining, world peace will have broken out and the mackems will re-appoint Howard Wilkinson as manager... Idle dreams, all of them... In the meantime he's talking to the media reminding anyone who will listen that he is still about and also Newcastle benefit from his goals.

I guess the real question is who will replace him? Somehow I doubt it'll be someone who sets my pulse racing.

Score Draws

2008-12-07T18:22:00.006Z

Sometimes a draw can feel as good as a win, sometimes a draw can feel vaguely disappointing and sometimes a draw can feel like a earth-shattering loss. It all depends on the expectations going into the game and the way in which the team plays in the game. I can recall a Monday night at Anfield - the first time that I'd been there, when a Shearer-inspired comeback secured a 2-2 draw and it felt so much like a win... The cliche of one point gained, rather than two lost was never truer.

Yesterday, the 2-2 draw with Stoke felt like the exact opposite. This was a game that should have been won by half-time and in fact appeared to have been won by half-time. As the January transfer window prepares to crack open, Owen is starting to find a bit of form (what an astonishing coincidence!) and comfortably put the Toon 2-0 up. And then of course the second half started and the team stuffed it up.

Having survived the rigors of Christmas shopping with my Mother, I'd slumped in front of the TV with Soccer Saturday on. Now, Soccer Saturday is an odd phenomenon - for a programme that is basically radio on the TV (a host and three so called pundits, watching a game and then relaying what they have seen with the added benefit of their 'wisdom' in order to explain to the viewer what is going on). Its one of those programmes that shouldn't work, but for some reason it does. I suspect that the reason it's watchable is Jeff Stelling, Hartlepool's most (only) famous supporter and all round football geek. His child-like enthusiasm and in depth knowledge (such as
the last time that Arbroath scored in the Scottish Cup... with a striker who's name started with Mac) make the fact that you can't see what is on the screen somehow watchable. He also manages to control the ex-footballer numpties who 'ohhh' and 'ahh' at the screens that are in front of them.

For yesterday's game Phil Thompson was 'commentating' on the game from St James' Park... I found myself from 4.30pm desperately hoping that Thompson wouldn't utter another word...that time would somehow move forward by another 20 mins and Newcastle would get hold of those elusive 3 points. Every time someone off camera uttered a "argggggg" or an "ohhhh" I developed a twitch and then a ridiculous amount of relief when Charlie Nicholas' was panned to, rather than "Tommo" (why is a school boy nickname like that on a man in his forties vaguely unsettling??). Anyway, as usual, Tommo got more excited, Stoke mounted a comeback and Newcastle had a draw that feels like a bitter loss. The exact opposite of the Liverpool game all those years ago.

Too many draws could ultimately prove the downfall - games like yesterday's should have been won...Two points lost, which may become crucial when the Soccer Saturday lot commentate on the last game of the season... Stoke staying up and Newcastle relegated?? I so hope not.

In the meantime the denizens of Wearyside are looking for a new manager... Which will mean the creation of a new chant - I've missed the surreal nature of the Peter Reid song, and the Roy Keane one always brought a titter... So, I wonder what the song will be for the next one? What rhymes with Allardyce??

Stickability

2008-11-29T08:17:00.008Z

The expected the announcement came yesterday, which was two-fold

a) Ashely can't find a buyer for the club
b) JFK is staying on until the end of the season

My initial response to both of those was a shoulder shrug and a smug "I knew that was going to happen". With regards to a) hasn't Big Mike noticed the state of the world-wide economy? Even if someone had a few hundred million to spend, would you want to risk it on a venture like NUFC? I doubt it... Also if I were in the buying market for a football club I'd want to wait until the end of the season to see if Newcastle slip into The Championship (which the way this season is going is a real possibility). Then either pick up the club in a fire sale, or if the club is in The Premiership, have the whole of the summer to re-evaluate and re-trench, ready for the start of next season.

With regards to b) it feels like good news. Which is probably more a statement on my rapidly lowering expectations for the club. JFK has managed to manage the players. He's getting them playing as a team, in a slightly different style and he's getting results. Nothing spectacular, no Rednapp inspired conversion of the team, but never the less he's making a positive difference.

He's also taken the role as acting as official spokesman for the club with some degree of professionalism and relish. He's skilled at making the right type of comment at the right time, from a vicious verbal volley at the press, to this statement yesterday...

I am over the moon about it - Mike has asked me to stay as manager until the end of the season, and I am absolutely delighted

Its a heart-warming statement (with obligatory football cliche) and shows that he cares. I can't quite see Allardyce, Souness or even Roeder being that excited. It's easy to be cynical and say that he's pandering to what the fans want to hear, but I feel that it's a genuine statement from him; someone who wants the job, has had an opportunity thrust onto him and is grabbing it with both hands.

JFK has said that one of his first priorities will be to sort out players contracts, including EMO's, Steve Harper's and Nicky Butt's. Again, all makes good sense, but I wish that EMO would just disappear back to Cheshire and leave us be... I can't see the sense in an injury prone, disinterested, ex-international on a huge pay deal hanging around a club that is fighting to stay in the division. I've wittered on about this before and the sooner he goes the better. As for Butt, I hope he does get offered a new deal, he's getting older, slowing down but has the ability to read the game in a way that the rest of the midfield is sadly lacking.

Today - it's the Smoggies, away... So fingers crossed for JFK to lead us to our first away win of the season.

Howay the lads.

Tormented

2008-11-23T17:03:00.005Z

One of the best things about a Sunday is the luxury of the Sunday papers... that hour or so of uninterrupted time, absorbing the news of the week and planning future events based on film/theatre/holiday/book reviews. I love that time, either on a Sunday morning with a steaming hot coffee or in the afternoon, usually with the rain slamming against the window pane, with TV sport on as background accompaniment. Despite being happy to read the rest of the weeks news on line, Sunday's are the paper day

I usually read The Observer, and have a ritual. Sports pages first, followed by the review, the finance pages, the main news part and then usually catch up on the magazine later in the week (the TV guide and Travel sections usually jettisoned into the recycling untouched). A few years ago, The Observer created monthly magazines, based on cookery, music, women and sport. They tend to be high quality, lengthy features which make entertaining reading supplemented with some really excellent photography (for example the photo of the mackem manager by Murdo Macleod has been used to scare countless children). Needless to say I devour the Sport Monthly when it arrives.

So, with the rain lashing on the window frames this afternoon I've been reading the Observer Sport Monthly, and as soon as I saw the title of the article I just knew Newcastle United would feature "top ten: Most tormented fans" Sure enough, proudly at No 4,

"At least Chicago Cubs fans have a good excuse for their history of near-misses. At St James' Park, there is no cursed goat to help explain 81 years without the League title. Scapegoats abound, though. In the Premier League era, Newcastle's appetite for self-destruction has turned the 'massive club' into a laughing stock. How much blame lies with the self-professed 'best fans in the world', who can't stop scratching at old wounds, is difficult to assess. And with the Big Four seemingly impregnable, the wait for a title will go on and on."

Difficult to argue with any of that.... Sadly.

Yesterday was supposed to be the day that Ashley sold up... It didn't happen. Unsurprisingly the club is proving a difficult item to shift - the alleged buyers from the US haven't committed as yet, and JFK is with us for at least another month. So, football finance is affected by the current economic crisis (and why should it be any different to any other areas of the economy?). I'd always thought that when JFK arrived it was for longer than the usual definition of "interim". I'd be willing to bet he and Ashley will still be there at the end of the season.

That said, JFK is managing to make Newcastle a more cohesive team - a draw against Chelsea yesterday, more than many expected and even more surprising was the clean sheet. The siege mentality that he's developed might not be long term. but two wins, two losses and four draws is mid table form. Just a shame that the team had sunk so low in the first place.

Anyway, off to torment myself a little more, trying to work out how Newcastle can draw against Manure and Chelsea and lose against mackems and Fulham... I think that way madness lies - as some bloke from Stratford once said.

Shola Success

2008-11-15T07:22:00.005Z

What a difference a month makes. At the Everton game when things looked really bleak - JFK made a substitution, bringing on the outcast No23, the guy who had been deemed not good enough for the Championship with Ipswich in August, Shola Ameobi. The chant went up "If Shola scores we're on the pitch" and stewards looked around nervously at the prospect of a pitch invasion. Of course, the threatened (un)civil unrest wasn't likely to happen, as we all thought that seeing as he hadn't scored for over two years it was unlikely. Since the Everton game he's set about trying to establish a place for himself in the side and was this week voted Newcastle player of the month for October. He's scored a couple of goals and generally looked more determined than any of the other strikers at the club.

He's a JFK sort of player - in the John Fashanu mold. Big, physical, determined and of limited ability. Therein lies the problem with Shola. For years we have watched one of our own (after all he's one of only two Geordie's near the first team at the moment, I know that neither he or Taylor were born in Newcastle - but they count as Geordies) willing him to succeed, only to be let down. Some of the frustrations about Shola are that for a player who is well over 6ft he appears to be unable to jump more than 6ins off the ground. He is one of the worst headers of the ball I've seen in a black and white shirt. He also has one of the poorest first touches of a top-flight player that I've ever seen - the ball just seems to cannon off him in random directions. For example:

But, he despite all these short-comings he's a player who always gives it all for the club. His ability is limited but he perseveres when so many better paid and more talented players give up - to name a few Kluivert, Luque, and Guivarc'h spring to mind from the past and you could probably add in Viduka and EMO from the present.

I've always had a soft spot for Shola - I remember his debut against Chelsea. He came on as a sub and a certain 'hard-tackling' Chelsea midfielder decided to show this lanky new comer what the Premiership was all about and sent 'our' Shola to the turf with a crunching and illegal tackle. I can still recall Shola jumping up, bristling with indignation and squaring up to the bully - without loosing any control the stare, just said "don't mess with me, I know what I'm doing".

The name of that midfielder? - our current Executive Director (Football) Dennis Wise. Dennis you should have learned from eight years ago, don't mess with what Newcastle fans know and love....That and the fact that when they squared up to each other Shola was a good foot taller than him, much to the general hilarity of the crowd.

One final thought, I may have a soft spot for Shola, but not as much as a friend of mine - who named her cat after our No 23. That said, Shola the Cat is the most aggressive, surly, vicious feline I've ever come across. I wonder if Shola the footballer is like that? I'd doubt it, but the cat can still jump higher.

Floodlit Fun

2008-11-08T13:16:00.010Z

I like Mondays...

For the past two Mondays Newcastle have been on the telly, the satellite stations have decreed that Newcastle should form part of their early evening 'entertainment' - and wonder of wonders the Toon have managed to put together back to back wins. As it stands at the moment we are luxuriating in 14th position in the league and the Mackems are in their rightful place... below us.

I've always loved evening games. Its the feeling generated by rushing away from work with a sense of excitement, walking to a ground and seeing it illuminated in the distance, wrapped up against the elements and knowing that this evening will be filled by football. Two particular evening games stick in my memory, one was Toon v Juventus in 2002. It was, I think, the first Champions League game that I'd been too, a tremendous game, with the most unlikely goalscorer - Andy Griffin. The other was even longer ago - Toon v Spurs in the FA Cup reply in Dec 1999. Memorable for the 6-1 scoreline, but also a wonderful goal by a talented young player called Dyer (I wonder whatever happened to him?) and getting numerous hugs from complete strangers filled with pre-Christmas cheer as we left the ground. Special because it was floodlit - special because the entertainment was spectacular.

As for the Villa game on Monday, well, lets say that times have changed, along with my expectations. I fully expected a loss as Villa are challenging the "big four" ( Sky) but what I hadn't factored in was how poor Villa were. Then again Newcastle/Villa games often are like this for some reason. So, it wasn't spectacular, but the three points gained (thanks entirely to Martins and Gutierrez) made the floodlit Monday night special.

That said, Joey Barton is one quarter footballer, three quarters complete idiot. Appropriately for a match near bonfire night, he allowed for his fuse to be lit, thrashed around like a demented catherine wheel and then came close to exploding over a nothing incident with Abonglahor. I hope JFK has the sense to give Barton a rocket (OK, I'm going to stop now... I sound like a cheesy tabloid journalist, an analogy isn't worth doing unless you push it far to far...). Barton's going to self-destruct again...soon. Please will someone stop him??

Tomorrow, Fulham away... on the telly...fingers crossed...again

Bottom of the pile

2008-11-02T20:05:00.002Z

Well, a huge thanks to both Liverpool and Man City.... Thanks to the abject failure of these two team to do the expected; Newcastle are now luxuriating in the position of bottom of the league. Bloody wonderful....

OK - so we've got a game in had over most, but to be honest its not that surprising that Newcastle are currently 20th in the table. I said last week that I hoped that there were three teams around that were worse... I'd pinned my hopes on Bolton, West Brom and Stoke, but on the evidence of this weekend it could be a struggle. There were some freaky results this week (Spurs 7 points from 9???) and to be honest, I think it'll be another freaky result if Newcastle beat Villa tomorrow.

It's going to hurt seeing Jimmy Milner in the 'wrong' colour shirt - probably one of the worst bits of transfer business since we let Nobby Solano go to Villa the first time.

Hoping for a win tomorrow, but not at all confident....

Buying time?

2008-11-01T15:56:00.005Z

Interesting comments from JFK in this weeks press conference. He's commented this week on the temporary nature of his contract and the difficulty that this causes him, and yesterday he went just a bit further...

"In the short term I will do my best but it might get sold under my feet. We've had Russians and South Africans but nobody has stepped up. But your guess is as good as mine.

As NUFC.com reported they reckon that everything will become clearer after the Chelsea game on 22nd Nov. This is interesting, as to me it smacks of a due diligence period being completed, once that is done then the deal will be signed and the club will transfer over to the new owners. So the note of caution by JFK can be read as an expectation setting in case it all goes pear shaped (i.e. the due diligence uncoveres something unexpected - like having to pay for players on HP, eh Mike??). However, over on Newcastle United Blog, Ed makes the point that at least via JFK the club are communicating with the fans, something that has been woefully lacking recently. Going quiet isn't an option at a club like Newcastle which provokes such interest from its paying customers... That only allows the media to make stuff up and we all know how annoyed that makes Joe.

I wonder if the BBC had communicated quicker and more effectively about Brand/Ross stuff that has obsessed the print media this week - then a few more people might still be in a job? I've been amazed at the ludicrous indignation expressed by various 'esteemed' commentators this week, in the same way that I was infuriated by the print media's umbrage at JFK's outburst. Do these people live in the real world? People swear... hardly breaking news. But at least their is some communication from the club - whether its smokescreen or honesty, the next 21 days will tell. However, if I had to guess, both JFK, Ashley, Wise and Llambias will still be at Newcastle United at the turn of 2009.

Oh, and thank you Chelsea for today's result... Brought a smile to my face.

3 Points for the good guys

2008-10-28T21:49:00.003Z

Well, for only the second time this season I find myself grinning as the good guys have picked up 3 points. Thank you West Brom... for having the good grace not to score twice (otherwise JFK's new nickname was going to be Desmond*). Its a win that lifts the team in a number of ways, not only to the giddy heights of 15th in the table (for today anyway) but also hopefully the confidence of the whole of the team. This was a hugely important game to win, if the Toon had lost then I think that the plans for next season would have consisted of trips to Notts Forrest, QPR and Preston... It still might be the case, but at least its a start.

I've had to suffer listening to the game via my PC, on a very poor connection - that kept buffering at inopportune moment.... Can someone remind me what enjoyment I get from following Newcastle United???

Apparently, Newcastle played at the weekend, but I have no recollection of that match at all...

Denial and delusion are wonderful ways of deflecting.... Bring on Villa

* Its the obvious joke, 2-2

28 years

2008-10-25T10:51:00.006+01:00

More PMT (pre match tension) - I'm full of cold, got home really late last night after a long week of work, its cold, wet and I've got loads to do this weekend... Still, my first thought this morning (after the coughing fit) was "please let us beat the mackems" - its difficult to get the right tone of pleading down electronically - but think small child manipulating harassed parent for something that they really really want.

JFK has been given a rolling one month contract, which was as surprising as the sun rising this morning - but 3 points higher up the table by the end of today and he'll be well embedded with the Newcastle fans, and I think he's bright enough to know that. He's not going to set the managerial world alight, but he's ok for Newcastle at the moment. If we win today he'll be with us until at least the turn of the year. It's the surest way to win over fans, beat your local rivals.

One of those statistics that is made to be broken... 28 years since the mackems have beaten us at their place... Hope its still intact at the end of the day.... Hope.... Hope.....Hope

EMO

2008-10-18T07:55:00.006+01:00

Well, an early season international break, which as ever spells disaster for NUFC... Players coming back from it injured and unable to play. As usual EMO is one of those... Apparently its a groin strain and he'll be out for about 10 days... Ho hummm.... EXCEPT EMO doesn't play for England anymore (I'm going to have to think of a new insulting nickname for him soon).. so out of apparent spite he's decided to get injured anyway.

I'm sure Captain Michael must have really regretted a) moving to Newcastle b) not moving away from Newcastle in the summer c) not playing in a team good enough to make him the chances that would get him back playing with the 3 lions. Although, no doubt the (alleged) £110k a week softens the blow. Wouldn't it be nice if he showed a little commitment and decided to put in some effort for his wages... He was a class player, he is a world class finisher - but unlike other great centre-forwards he hasn't been able to adapt his game as he's got older and has become increasingly ineffective. Somehow I can't see him playing into his late 30's as someone like Sheringham did - he hasn't got the nous, or more importantly, the motivation.

So, the game against Citeh on Monday night fills me with the dread. Talk about David v Goliath?? The billion pound Brazilians against the might of Shola Ameobi and Xisco... I'll be the one watching from behind the sofa, just like when I was five and the Daleks scared me on Dr Who

Pre-programmed

2008-10-11T08:36:00.008+01:00

I collect stuff.... Perhaps not the worlds most shocking revelation. But I've always done it, things like books, records (remember them?), CDs, gig tickets, films (video and TV) etc. These things provide an additional set of memories to my life. Whatever has grabbed my attention for a period of time has been hoarded and cherished, until eventually getting discarded in favour of the next thing that my attention alights on. They normally lie about cluttering up shelf space, then get relegated to cupboard, wardrobe or some other hidden storage area, Eventually I pluck up the courage to chuck out the offending clutter.

In terms of football memorabilia I've got tickets (oddly enough in a large biscuit tin, I'm sure there is something deep and meaningful to that) stretching back to the mid 1990's (when I moved to Manchester and started going to away games in earnest) and I've got loads of programmes. The programmes are like a guilty addiction for me. I go to a game, think "ah.... there is no point what will I learn from them" and then find myself gravitating to a bloke in a fluorescent jacket, standing in a plexiglassed hut selling glossy magazines. I then usually shell out anything between £2 to £5 for an anodyne description of the club that Newcastle are going to be beaten by. I think that when I first started going I used to get the programme to see who was in the team... But now that so much depends on printing deadlines and squad sizes that this is meaningless as well. However, it doesn't seem to stop me seeking out a programme seller and parting slavishly with my hard-earned cash.

The other thing that often happens is that I tend to read these in accordance with how well/badly Newcastle have played. If the game is a good one (i.e. Newcastle actually win an away game) then the programme is devoured on the day of the game. If a poor result, then it usually lies on the kitchen table for a few days and might be studied after the pre-requisite period of grief has elapsed.

The Everton programme was midway between those two in terms of time. A typical corporate production, with lots of stories about how much the club cares for its fans and what upstanding fellows all the players are, a few words from the manager and captain and a smattering about Newcastle. This copy had a "Guest Appearance" by Sid Waddell, a darts commentator, expert quipper and semi-professional Geordie. The article was about Waddell's career and the state of darts in general (as an aside, how on earth can darts be considered a sport??) and some comments about the North East in general and Newcastle in particular. I then stumbled across this quote :-

"Newcastle United are not a football team; they are a crusade. They were the best of the tribe; these were our Geronimo, our best warriors. They came out of the pits and the shipyards... How the Toon did affected the whole society. People's mood in the pubs and clubs would be affected for the whole weekend"

This made me stop and think for loads of reasons - interesting use of the past tense; are the current players really our best warriors?; when did this all change?; how many are really still employed in the pits and the shipyards?; why is football so important that it can alter the mood of a region depending on what 22 men kicking an inflated pigs bladder around do?

Waddell's view is undoubtedly harking back to a glorious past seen through rose-tinted glasses, but perhaps the first sentence is the most telling for me. And perhaps if Mike Ashley had understood his customers a bit better, then perhaps he'd have a few more million quid on the table for his most recent declining investment.

Phew....

2008-10-05T21:05:00.014+01:00

Everton 2 Toon 2

It wasn't pretty most of the time. for a while it looked like a thrashing, so all in all it feels like a fairly good result. At least a point has stopped the decline and for the first time in a over a month Newcastle have started to climb the table. After the same game last season this was certainly much better.

For the first 40 mins it looked like a typical inept and gutless display. But a goal just before half time (Taylor scored it apparently, I completely missed it, it was at the other end to the Newcastle fans and seeing as I was standing at eye-level to the pitch I had very little chance of seeing it - ah, the joys of watching live sport) changed the complexion of the game. The icing on the cake was a goal by Duff just after half time (this time I did see it!!) which was made this time by Taylor. You could see the confidence surge back into the team and for a lot of the second half it felt like the game was ours to win, and that Everton were hanging on. I'll be watching MOTD later on to see if I was right. For me one of the main differences today was that Guthrie was back. He's a ball winner and an unfussy midfielder, he reminds me of Butt in has younger days. Oh, and Butt had a poor game.

As I mentioned The Favourite Nephew* came to his first away game. He was a giddy kipper by the end of it. Well, and truly hooked now - he's learning the words to The Blaydon Races (although explaining the cultral significance of the song was a challenge, for me) and the Geordie Boot-Boy chant. We both chuckled at "If Shola scores, we're on the pitch" and howled with laughter at "Joe Kinnear, he's got tourettes" which was kept up for most of the 2nd half.

As ever, sods law struck again - I've written in the past about how strongly I feel about the group of supporters who have felt the need to characterise the Ashely/Wise regime as "Cockney Mafia" and have had the banner "Cockney Mafia Out" made up. It parochial at best, inaccurate at worst. Anyway, I noticed halfway through the first half that the guy next to me had a large plastic bag with him. Sure enough just after half time him and his mate unfurled the self same banner. I just know that there is going to be a picture somewhere this... With me looking as though I'm part of this protest.... Typical.

The other piece of news today, is that it looks as though Ashley is going to have his own 'Super Tuesday' with 7th Oct being the closing date for bids for the club... I'll believe it when it happens. Seeing as JFK is bringing in another member of the coaching staff, Gerry Francis - it seems to me that he's preparing for a long haul, rather than just a few weeks holiday in the North-East.

Still, a point today was a good start for our new interim manager - despite the fact that he missed both of our goals.

*BTW - The Favourite Nephew isn't as much of a compliment as it seems - he's my only nephew...

What have we done to deserve this?

2008-10-04T08:55:00.003+01:00

Two small snapshots from my life from this week

Snapshot 1

A work acquaintance rings me up - I haven't spoken to him for about 6 months. His sole purpose for ringing me? To offer me sympathy at the "plight of your team". Who does he support? Reading. He reckons that Newcastle v Reading will appear on the fixture list next season.

Snapshot 2

As I've mentioned before, I'm lucky enough to do a fair amount of travelling with my job. Which is great until some transport goes awry. Yesterday this happened to me with a delayed flight from Inverness to Manchester. Now, Inverness Airport isn't exactly an international hub, in fact I think my living room is about the same size as the departure lounge. Lets just say its one of the cosier airports in the world. A three and a half hour delay and you soon run out of options of things to do (although there was a Piper for a while, playing Bagpipes for a while to cheer us up - a few scowls and he scarpered). However, I was lucky enough to be kept company by a Saga tour of ladies who had been on a train tour of the Highlands for the past week and were flying back to the North West to return to the bosom of their families.

After getting offered boiled sweets (declined), asking if my computer could help with the crossword (accepted) and asking if I'd go to the cafe for them (accepted), I became the focus of their intrigue. After all the questions about why I was there, what did I do for a living and my family, they asked twigged that my accent wasn't "right" for someone from the North West. As soon as I said I was from Newcastle - one of them chirped up with "Oh dear, your football team is a bit rubbish isn't it?" Another "Yes, they shouldn't have got rid of Bobby Robson, he was a nice man" then there was a general discussion about the malaise at Newcastle United and then modern football in general. Fortunately they then became distracted as the snow started to fall.

A couple of thoughts about these snapshots... Firstly, football is a conversation point, a punctuation mark in connecting people. One of the reasons why I love the game. The second point is that whilst I don't really want sympathy or pity about the club I've supported all of my life, at least people want to talk to me because of who I support. Which says something for the re branding of the game since the 1970's and 1980's.

Tomorrow I'm taking my favourite Nephew to his first away game. I wonder how he's going to feel after a Goodison experience.... Come to that, I wonder how I'm going to feel? Somehow I doubt that sympathy or pity are going to be the overriding emotions.

Dragons' Den

2008-09-28T08:09:00.006+01:00

Hello, my name is Mike and I'd like £400 million pounds for....

Well, for what exactly? A team so dispirited that it rolled over and played dead against a mediocre Blackburn Rovers; a captain who sounded on MOTD last night like he's clinically depressed and the mogadon has taken over; a backroom staff that are as threadbare as the squad, a set of 50,000 fans who are now so apathetic that they have lost all passion and have stopped turning up, even though they have paid for their tickets...

Somehow Mike, I think that you are going to have trouble offloading this, especially if Peter Jones starts to question you about the figures... Seeing as it looks like you didn't understand them when you bought the company in the first place.

I'd guess these five, along with some Indians and (probably) some Nigerians would say "I'm out" and send you on your merry way.

Ich Bin Ein Geordie

2008-09-27T09:05:00.007+01:00

Its a crisp, sunny morning in the North West of England and I've spent most of it musing about one of my heroes, John Fitzgerald Kennedy, a man who managed to combine a supreme intellect with a charismatic leadership style in order to change not only the face of the US in the 60's but also the face of the world.

He also gave one of the most influential speeches of all time, whilst standing the shadow of the Berlin Wall he criticised the newly erected dividing line between West and East Berlin by declaring "ich bin ein Berliner" It might have taken another 30 years for the wall to come down, but the speech was a landmark in terms of the idea of freedom, specifically in terms of movement, but also in freedom of thought. As an aside, its another of his speeches that stays with me... and is just as relevant today as it was in 1961 (Obama please take note)

"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country. My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man."

Now - back to earth with a bump.... NUFC have just appointed a new 'leader' - Joe Kinnear. Marvellous... A man who was managed to get a small club - Wimbledon to the semi-finals of the FA cup and is largely credited with putting Nottingham Forest into the doldrums that they are in now. If I get one more text about Vinny Jones joining as training coach I'll scream... I'm even starting to think that Ashley is creating his own version of the cast of Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels at SJP. But I'm not going to fall into the trap of the 'evil cockney empire'... Doh...

Anyway, back to Kinnear, NUFC.om have described him as our very own JFK... not because he bears any resemblance to the man described in the first couple of paragraphs, but because when anyone hears that he's been appointed as our manager, the reaction is "Joe F***** Kinnear???"

The club have said that he's going to be in charge until the end of October, and he's already alluding to Keegan and Shearer being parked around the corner for when the new owners arrive. But I wonder if this is the case? To stretch the analogy above a little further, this smacks to me of appeasement. Time will tell.

In the meantime NUFC continue to grab the headlines of all the red-tops (and many of the others). As Phil McNulty has commented

Newcastle is a circus, a soap opera, a black comedy, a farce - but it is never dull.

Of course, we've all known that for ages, but at least Spurs should be grateful to the club... Its providing a welcome distraction to their woeful under-performance... But then again Ashley is supposed to be a Spurs supporter... Doh - there I go again.

Anyway, apparently there is something going on at 3.00pm today.... on a field in NE1, with a group of visitors from Lancashire. I wonder if NUFC come away from that with 3 points then the press will start to hail the NUFC JFK.... I doubt it.

BTW - I've avoided the grassy knoll/dugout comparison, I'll wait until he leaves for that one.

What the El?

2008-09-24T22:04:00.004+01:00

Just finished watching Newcastle getting thrashed 2-1 by Spurs on the telly. A few words spring to mind; gutless, clueless, passionless, hopeless, spineless, leaderless, and ultimately meaningless. Here endeth the match report as Newcastle stumble out out the Carling Cup, like adolescent boys who have sipped their first bottle of cider and are pretending that they don't feel sick. All bluff, bluster and bravado that has ended in tears.

The latest round on the made up paper rumour mill is that a Nigerian consortium is preparing to buy out Ashely ( I can see the "Abuja* Mafia Out" banners around SJP in the near future). Still, if it is true then perhaps Oba Martins might hang around for longer than when the snowdrops start to come up in my back garden.

The other rumour is that Terry Venables is going to add Newcastle United to the following list
Crystal Palace, QPR, Barcelona, Spurs, England, Australia, Portsmouth, Middlesbrough and Leeds. The radio is reporting he will be a temporary manager for about six weeks... Great, should just about be relegated by then.

*Apparently Abuja is the capital of Nigeria and not Lagos... See, tis an educational blog as well...

Dark Days

2008-09-21T22:30:00.008+01:00

Ho and indeed Hum....

The week of madness continued :-

Wednesday saw stories of Ashely and Wise hawking the club around the middle-east, with no success, so he took refuge in a bar...

Saturday - saw the team "hammered" at Upton Park. Comedy defenders matched by disinterested strikers

Sunday - Andy Carroll, one of the young 'prospects' at the club accepts a police caution for common assault on a woman in the centre of Newcastle.

I've said it before, but you couldn't make it up....

Through my door earlier this week dropped a copy of the Newcastle United fanzine, The Mag. Usually its a publication that I devour when it arrives, a refreshing mixture of humour, sharp observation and well-written articles. Its always had the advantage of being unofficial and therefore hasn't had to toe any party line. I've only read half of of this edition... It's so depressing that it may as well have the phone number of the Samaritans emblazoned across the front of it.

It's just got to get better soon - I was asked recently what gift I'd like - with only a moments hesitation I said "a proper manager for the Toon"... and three points on Saturday. Hummm, looks like a wasted wish.

Still, one of the reasons that I love football, is that there is always another game just around the corner. Wednesday sees Toon v Spurs in the Fizzy Pop Cup. Seeing as Dave Mason has been at it again in today's Observer - who managed to shoehorn into a 50 word preview article on the Spurs V Wigan game comments about how bad Newcastle are (he's right, but that's not the point) - I'd love it, just love it if we beat them..... Now where have I heard that before???

Oh - I couldn't resist this one... not my orginal idea, but its made me smile this week

Criteria for Newcastle United Owner

1. Must have more money than sense

2. Must be prepared to be disliked by the media

3. Must be a Geordie

4. Must be slightly bonkers

.... therefore the perfect owner for NUFC is...... the ex-Mrs McCartney, Heather Mills..

Its all gone to hell in a handcart

2008-09-15T20:43:00.005+01:00

How to sum up what has happened in the past four days??? *sigh*

- Friday - Keegan and Ashley meet in London, LMA release a statement that no agreement has been reached between the two... Rumors abound that Ashely is trying to entice Keegan back
- Saturday - The much vaunted protests by the fans took place - including marches, alleged boycotts of merchandise, bed-sheets for posters and innumerable chants of "sack the board" Oh, and Newcastle United managed to loose to Hull City, convincingly and soundly beaten.
- Sunday - Mike Ashely releases a statement (which is now being criticised for being too long) which basically says "I've had enough, I'm off" as a For Sale sign goes up on Barrack Road
- Monday - The club has to release another statement, denying that they've sacked Alan Shearer from his role as Club Ambassador due to the remarks that he's made as a result of Keegan debacle. (Apparently his contract had ended at the end of last season, but hey, why let that get in the way of a made up story - that bastion of press righteousness the Daily Mail was responsible for this one*)

So, what on earth is going to happen next? A mysterious fire at SJP for the insurance money? A take over bid from an Irish Consortia with links to Wearside?.... The rate these few days have panned out then it wouldn't surprise me...

A few thoughts on the past few days

I still don't believe the press portrayal of the extent of the protests on Saturday - sure a lot of people are angry, but the woman on MOTD who claimed her "life had been ruined" by Keegan's departure should either get out more, or stop trying to get onto the telly

Ashely's statement read well, was very sensible and I actually agree with what he has been trying to do. There is a logic in trying to run the football club as a business, to make it viable and to establish a model whereby the talent is both sustainable and affordable. I don't believe that Fergson, Wenger nor even Keane have a say in each and every transfer that comes in through the door. I don't see how many can disagree with:-

"I want Newcastle to be able to create its own legends of the future to rival those of the past. This is a long term plan. A long term plan for the future of the club so that it can flourish.

One person alone can't manage a Premiership football club and scout the world looking for world class players and stars of the future. It needs a structure and it needs people who are dedicated to that task. It needs all members of the management team to share that vision for it to work."

The problem is the way that he's gone about it. Dennis Wise was loathed by many in football because of the way he conducted himself in the past - Leeds. Chelsea, Wimbledon, Swindon... I ask you... never mind what he has done to taxi drivers. He was never going to be popular and there was always a suspicion that Ashely brought in Wise to be the next manager. The statement has come too late to win back hearts and minds - the battle for the hearts and minds had been lost.
Who would want to buy the club? The talk of a fans buy-out is fanciful and misguided. It might work for Ebbsfleet United, but Newcastle United is on a bigger scale - that has been at the core of the problem. RadioFive were suggesting tonight that Freddy Sheperd may be 'persuaded' to come back... Spare us.
Who will be the next manager? - and who would want to take the job? It looks to me like Chris Houghton for the foreseeable future. But it must be bad, because I found myself thinking that Steve Bruce might not be a bad option.

To cheer myself up over the weekend I dug out an old DVD of Our Friends in the North a mid 1990's TV drama which was loosely based on the corruption scandal surrounding T Dan Smith and John Pouslon (amongst other things). Apart from launching the career of several of Britain's best actors (Christopher Eccleston, Daniel Craig, Gina McGee and Mark Strong) it also portrayed Newcastle to be full of proud but parochial people. That stereotype still exists today, the flames of it are fanned by the press and parading banners with "Cockney Mafia Out" around the ground just re-enforces it. (Its also probably inaccurate seeing as I don't think Ashely was born within the sound of Bow Bells nor is of Italian extraction.)

Its time we all moved on. This has gone beyond a joke, its now painful. Stoppit....

* I've never yet manged to read a full copy of the Daily Mail - I occasionally come across a copy, start to read it, get to about page 5-7 stumble onto some xenophobic, sexist or royalist (usually Diana related) comment. This causes me to tut and leave the paper wherever I found it. Is it just me?

Protest Song

2008-09-12T21:50:00.010+01:00

A week of chaos has ensued, from the last week of chaos - no clarity in terms of leadership, no sign of the new messiah and worst of all Newcastle United are still a laughing stock. Its now got so bad, people have stopped taking the piss and all I get is sympathy from Manure and City fans. As the bard of Salford once said : -

That joke isn't funny anymore
It's too close to home
And it's too near the bone

Its got so far beyond a joke that people are really angry - two weeks have passed and the emotional attachment to Keegan hasn't diminshed. Tomorrow is going to be interesting. No doubt the media will skew and manipulate, but there will be some sort of protest before/during/after the Hull game. The media will show the window lickers who have been enticed by the prospect of gurning on TV - but underneath it all is a groundswell of option that what has been happening at the club isn't right. I have a view that Keegan was too 'last decade' for modern, big business football, but I'll expand on that in another post, in the meantime there will be an emotional reaction at tomorrows game.

I wonder if Mike Ashley has made a big misjudgement. The recent PR has reminded me of Gerald Ratner, when he said his product was crap - and as a result a multi million pound buisness went down the pan. Ashely's mistake hasn't been on that scale, but the fans do think that he hasn't treated his punters with respect - therefore the groundswell seems to be to hit him where it hurts.... in the pocket.

Still - as Michael has said - support the club, not the man.

Howay the lads

Skin Deep

2008-09-05T00:17:00.010+01:00

Well, the messiah has gone, long live the new messiah... Whoever he may be.

The three days of indecision have finally come to an end with Keegan resigning - despite what the media say, no doubt with a large pay off and a gagging clause to stop him saying anything too damaging to the club.

He's claiming that he's been prevented from managing and he's lost control over the 'managing' part of his role. Which are exactly the same reasons as Curbishley has given for leaving West Ham earlier this week. Both claiming that they have lost control over who is bought/sold for the team. No doubt with Keegan much of the problem will have been with him needing to stamp his authority onto the club, (have a look at previous post for my wittering on this before) a power struggle with the directors has led to him throwing his dummy out in the grand manner.

Why does any of this matter? I'd be willing to bet it matters a lot to the guy in the photo (I took this at Everton last season and have been waiting for an appropriate occasion to use it), not only does he care for the team so much he travels to the games, shells out for a season ticket but he has also wanted to show his loyalty to the team he loves (note, not follows, loves) by paying a large sum of money to have the club crest indelibly imprinted on his back. That's the passion that football can engender and its why it matters who is in charge of your team.

Part of the problem at Newcastle United is that we don't really know who is in charge (although today has given us a fairly big clue...) Keegan was brought back by Ashley as an antidote to the dour Allardyce and Keegan's charisma is part of why he has been successful and why the reaction is as strong as it is that he's gone.

As ever, NUFC.com sum it up perfectly:-

While the mass media see this purely as messiah departs, it seems that many fans (correctly in our view) are less concerned about KK disappearing than they are about the shambles he leaves behind.

The key question for me is what will Ashley do next for a manager? Dennis Wise or Alan Shearer - invidious or populist - cheap or expensive...

Like I said, never a dull moment.

Implosion

2008-09-02T21:20:00.003+01:00

On a day when Manchester City become the richest club in the entire universe (apparently Newcastle came 2nd in that race... always the bridesmaid...) Newcastle decide to re-brand themselves... Newcastle DisUnited...

Pick the bones out of this statement:-

Newcastle United can confirm that meetings between members of the Board and manager Kevin Keegan were held both yesterday and today.

Kevin has raised a number of issues and those have been discussed with him.

The Club wants to keep progressing with its long-term strategy and would like to stress that Kevin is extremely important, both now and in the future.

Newcastle United values the effort and commitment shown by Kevin since his return to St. James' Park and wants him to continue to play an instrumental role as manager of the Club.

For the avoidance of doubt the Club has not sacked Kevin Keegan as manager.

Two words spring to mind "laughing" and "stock"

Never a dull 'un

Jimmy Jimmy

2008-08-30T07:43:00.004+01:00

As The Undertones once said :-

Little mummy's boy
He wasn't very old
Though he was very small
He did what he was told

Jimmy Jimmy
Jimmy Jimmy - Oooh
Jimmy Jimmy
Poor little Jimmy wouldn't let go

Unfortunately, Newcastle United have finally let poor Jimmy go, to Aston Villa, yesterday for £12m. Milner spent four years at SJP, with one season on loan at Villa, Newcastle paid £5m for him in the Leeds United fire sale and no doubt the amount of profit was significant in the sale. However, during those four years Milner has also become one of the most capped England U21 players, has grown in confidence and stature and has the ability to change a game with a shimmy and a dip of his shoulder.

Their can be no doubt that he has been treated badly by the club, loaned out to Villa, almost sold to them on the last day of the transfer window two years ago, played out of position by Allardyce and then apparently not getting the same type of pay deal of his peers. What has always been so impressive about Milner is that he hasn't played all this out in public, he hasn't let it affect what he does on the pitch and he has always 'done the right thing' - even down to submitting a transfer request last week - a move that will have cost him a few quid in loyalty bonuses. As the ever eloquent NUFC.com have said

In our eyes Milner's genuine graft and honesty provided an antidote to the feeling that we've signed mercenaries, thugs and conmen in recent years.

Its fitting that his final game for the Toon came in the Midlands, along with his final goal... In a game that will have left him cup-tied for his new employers. Shows that the boy has turned into a man and, for me, his presence will be sadly missed in the Black and White shirt.

The sale also brings in a horrible deja vu - there are 3 days left of the transfer window and Newcastle are selling one of their best players. Why, why, why?? In the mid-week game Newcastle squeaked past Coventry without playing any strikers (actually squeaked is a bit harsh... it was one of the most one sided games that I've ever seen go into extra time) until EMO came off the bench to get us through to the next round of the fizzy pop cup. So where is the logic of selling one of the more attacking players in an already depleted squad? Beats me, but it most certainly smacks of the type of short termism that we used to see so often under the previous ownership.

The fans have been promised a 'wow' signing... Keegan is still alluding to this

"It might not look like a positive move to fans at the moment but what will happen in the next two to three days will be positive."

I'm not so convinced - although during a bout of insomnia last night I was listening to Radio five's "Up all night" Some guy rang in and was convinced that Newcastle had let James Milner go, because we were on the point of signing.... David Beckham....

Laugh? I almost spilt my ovaltine...

Posh, shopping on Gosforth High St (don't think she'd fancy Sheilds Rd) - now their is an image to conjour with...

Sweet Streford Sunshine

2008-08-17T21:30:00.004+01:00

Manure 1 Toon 1

Some of the emotions from today - relief, exhilaration (for a full minute Newcastle had the lead), anticipation, and anxiety (for the last five minutes) I felt all of these, but most of all I felt pure pleasure. Pleasure that Newcastle didn't ship a shed load of goals, pleasure that we had a team playing to entertain and pleasure that some of the fun seemed to have come back to the team and the crowd.

After 36 years of not winning, today was important because it felt like Newcastle where on the same plane as Man Utd - for once.

Newcastle had three new signings on show - Guthrie, Gutierrez and Coloccini. All had good debuts - but I fell in love (just a little bit) with Gutierrez. He's the antithesis of the usual South American import - committed and robust combined with some other more traditional South American traits - passionate and slightly bonkers. He never stopped running and was a constant threat - a complete pain in the arse to the Manure midfield/defence and attack. At one stage he ran back the length of the pitch chasing after Rooney, won the ball off him by the corner flag and then charged back up the pitch. Cue adoration from 2,500 Geordie's.

As for the other two, Guthrie for me was probably man of the match - a calm and assured centre midfielder who kept Paul Scholes busy for most of the game. Coloccini is a thinking centre-half who did really well with the impotent Manure attack. A sure sign that the defence is having a good game is Rooney getting booked for dissent, instead of him putting the ball in the back of net.

Some of the highlights of the day, included the guy behind me screaming "Howay Superman, score" completely missing the point that Gutierrez's nickname is Spiderman. The 6 blokes dressed in full Spiderman costumes (who were apparently stopped from getting into Old Trafford as their costumes breached health and safety guidelines....) and finally on the police shouting "Get the bald bloke" as we obediently filed out of the stadium - about 7,000 follically challenged men shifted uncomfortably.

Off now to watch MOTD 2 - as I have no idea how Martins managed to score his goal. One of the joys of watching live sport - I completely missed it. No doubt distracted by the stupor that the Manure fans appeared to have for the whole of the game.

It was somehow fitting that a game that started off with dark black rain clouds overhead ended up bathed in sunshine. If the same team can beat Bolton next week then maybe, just maybe 2008/9 could be a good season.

1972 and all that

2008-08-16T09:09:00.005+01:00

What happened in 1972? Well, some of the notable events included

Munich Olympics
Bloody Sunday
Watergate
The release of 'The Godfather' film
The first digital watch was introduced (and it cost over £100)
The average house price was £7,374
Newcastle United beat Manchester United at Old Trafford

If I'd realised that the last point had been so momentous then I might have paid a bit more attention to John Tudor and Stewart Barrowclough's goals as the Manure team featuring Charlton, Law and Best lost (mind you, I was still at junior school at the time) Whatever happened on that day must have left big scars on the red team - cos we haven't got close to beating them at Old Trafford in the intervening 36 years.

So, will this run of form be broken tomorrow? - I'd doubt it, but as ever, I live in hope. After a farce with the box office the tickets have arrived this morning (why is it the NUFC box office never quite get it right? Was it such a suprise that the season was starting again??) so I'll be there to witness what will most probably be a humiliation.

Still, I've had a little flutter (the old adage about a fool and his money being easily parted) and at 90-1 here's hoping for a repirse of 1972. I'm just off to dig out my flares, Bay City Rollers tartan scarf and find some platform shoes... So if you see someone wobbling down the Chester Road tomorrow - that'll be me.

A slice of life

2008-08-09T20:51:00.011+01:00

I went shopping today.... in deepest darkest Salford. In the typical August pouring rain I trudged from shop to shop getting provisions (Bear with me this does have a point - and I'll eventually get to it) I ended up at the local butchers - one of those traditional butchers shops with the striped awning outside and the butchers wear starched white coats, and they sell all types of indescribable offal.

Needless to say the usual banter ensued, after they had called me a vegetarian (only in a butchers could that be an insult, because I shuddered at being offered black pudding); they then started in on another of my weak spots... Newcastle United... As ever there was the bitterness that Shearer didn't sign for Manure - which manifests itself as "How many medals did he win with your lot then?" and then some typical gloating - "So how many times has your lot won the double then?" And then the killer question - "So how are Newcastle going to do this season then?" Oddly enough without a second thought, my witless retort was "Relegated: Championship here we come"

It could be gallows humor, it could be false bravado - but actually it just feels like realism. Newcastle flirted with the lower reaches of the table last season and I really don't see what has altered to make it different for the coming season. Allardyce has been run out of Toon, Emre has moved back to Turkey - but other than that little else has altered. We still are paying the injury prone EMO a small fortune every week, Viduka is still on the books and unlikely to play more than 10 games all season, Damien Duff hasn't joined the Irish invasion of sunderland and worst of all, they've let Joey 'bloody' Barton out of prison.

Still only a week to wait until it all starts again. Can't wait...

By the way - I'm I the only one to notice the resemblance between our proposed new central defender; Fabricio Coloccini, and Michael Bolton??

Texting Tales

2008-08-02T07:41:00.007+01:00

With a flurry of beeps and vibrations the conversations this week have been going something like this...

Tickets on sale on Monday u goin?

Yup - I'll have 2

I'm on hols

I'm not botherin - no point

How much? Its on the tv

£41!!! Jeez... Nah, I'm not goin

I'm on hols as well!!!

So for our "Season Opener" (© Sky TV, the inventors of football) half the people I know aren't going, due to holidays, the price of the ticket or general apathy. Admittedly, the opposition don't help, its Manure again. A humiliation twice last season with an aggregate score of 11 conceded and one scored, doesn't instill confidence does it?

The exchanges above brought to mind a series of articles in The Guardian a few years ago that have stuck in my mind. They were called "Football, the game that ate itself" The general hypothesis was that corporate greed was destroying the sport and it would all implode in on itself. That was written in 2004 and was perhaps a little early. However, I wonder if this season will see the start of the decline? As the economic situation worsens one of the first things that can be sacrificed is the £70-80 needed to fund a trip to an away ground. Not that falling attendances will cause football to implode, as we all know, fans at the game are a mere inconvenience to the TV scheduler and corporate advertisers on who's money The Premiership is built.

Still, I'll be going... Why? Firstly, I can walk there from my house, and secondly there might just be the chance that I can say "I was there the first time Newcastle beat Manure since the invention of the electronic scoreboard". It won't happen of course, but blind optimism is a pre-requisite of any Newcastle United fan.

So another season of mediocrity beckons - Toon on the Telly last night. Sultana Sports treated us to Hertha Berlin V Newcastle in the Majorca Cup. For a start, the Majorca Cup sounds like a 18-30 vomiting contest and I'm sure that Hertha Berlin was some war time code name for a Mata Hari. However, I settled on the sofa last night to watch 'the lads' entertain me.

It was woeful. Newcastle lost.

In fact, it was so bad I went and washed up halfway through the second half.

Roll on August 17th

False Dawns and Earthquakes

2008-07-19T10:30:00.006+01:00

Well, after what seems like 15 mins break, the pre-season is here... Woo hoo... A chance for the NUFC super new signings to get a run out in the famous black and wh.... errr, no hang on... Purple shirts (just who in the marketing dept thought Purple was a good colour?? I'd have liked to have seen the market testing on that one... lemme guess, they didn't do any) Its a friendly against the mighty Hartlepool.

I gave up going to friendlies years ago - most of the time when its a competitive game the players don't seem to care much, so why I should be bothered to turn up when it isn't even competitive? Anyway, home of the Monkey Hangers isn't top of my preferred holiday destinations. I'd be willing to bet one of our 'stars' will suffer some catastrophic injury (a la Shearer v Everton) so at least its good news that EMO isn't sullying his boots with a trip to Cleveland (something about a minor knock apparently)

And as for the super new singings -ermmm that'll be a challenge. Danny Guthrie and Jonas Gutierrez - still it'll be interesting to see where they fit in. Shame that we didn't succeed in getting Pablo Aimar - but at least we've been spared the Evening Chronicle headline "Why Aimar"....

Finally - so many thanks to Younes Kaboul's agent... For giving me the best laugh all week. If you haven't seen the comments, have a look.

Roll on 17th August

Ambition

2008-07-13T08:46:00.006+01:00

Another out of season week trundles by...with a new signing and more rumours about a change in ownership.

I got a text from the lady in the picture (advertising that famous Geordie firm of solicitors) this week "I c we've signed Danny Guthrie - b still my beating heart" Apart from the impressive use of irony in a text message, it shows how little impact the summer signings this season have had on the fan base thus far.

Guthrie is a Liverpool cast off (albeit, a decent player from what I can remember) who did well at Bolton, but has no doubt come to the North East for higher wages than Bolton were prepared to offer him. That said, he's a young player and will be excellent replacement (or cover) for banged-up Barton. Hopefully he'll be keen to impress and maybe will be the type of player that we thought that we were getting when millions were shelled out for Scott Parker.

The signings so an interesting approach to ambition. A more frugal and pragmatic approach seems to be pervading in the transfer market at the moment. Perhaps this is Mike Ashley's period of retrenchment, or perhaps he's just got to the bottom of that money pit now and is skint!

Whatever the cause, the effect will be interesting to watch next season - I'd guess the aim will be to get to a European spot (fair play league anyone??) and then some of the rumours about the club being sold may become more solid.

Oh... one more thing. Last week I mused about Ashley being the Joker... I'm still not sure - but if you haven't seen it have a look at this interview in The Guardian - the jury is still out

Superhero(es)

2008-07-06T19:43:00.008+01:00

After the holiday period that was the European Championships the merry-go-round has started up again at the SJP funfair.

First of all we have signed a player (allegedly) - a certain Jonas Gutierrez, a winger who is right -footed and an Argentinian international. Good news on the face of it (as long as Milner stays...), except that his former club (before Real Mallorca) are claiming that they have some ownership rights and want some additional compensation - so it may not be as clear cut as it first appeared. Still, on the same day sunderland gave Dwight Yorke a one year extension to his existing contract, shows the depth of ambition, eh??

Next came Barton's case for assault against Dabo. A small bit of common sense prevailed (or more likely a plea bargain), he altered his plea to Guilty and as a result got a suspended sentence. As I've said before, I've no idea what the club will do with him. He'll be out in a couple of weeks apparently, and my view is that Newcastle United should get rid of him... but we can't afford to 'waste' a £6m 'asset'. The wallet will rule the head.

Then, Steven Taylor signed a improved 3year contract. That has to be good news - he's a future England captain, not yet the finished article, but a player of real class who will become better as he matures. He reminds me of Tony Adams at the same age, a tenancy to do daft things, but will grow and improve. Just the type of player Newcastle United need to hang onto and cultivate.

Finally, more media rumblings about Mike Ashley selling up again. This time either to a US based Private Equity Company or Osama Bin Laden's family.... You couldn't make it up... If Gutierrez' nickname is Spiderman - then lets hope that Ashley's is The Joker.... Cos someone must be winding up the press

Globalisation

2008-06-28T14:49:00.006+01:00

This week I've spent some time in Dublin, I was lucky enough to go there with work, and then I tagged on a couple of days afterwards in order to have a look around and see what the city had to offer. As is so typical with me, the weather was bloody awful - almost constant rain, which curtailed my wanderings somewhat. So, I ended up doing all sorts of cultural things National Museum of Ireland, National Gallery of Ireland, Dublin Writers Museum. All of which I enjoyed, but still left me with time on my hands and starting to develop trench foot. So, I look refuge in a bookshop on O'Connell St - and as is my wont, I gravitated to the sports section.

I expected to find the football section stuffed with books on the glory of the Republic's world cup exploits and Manure books... I was wrong. Shelf after shelf of books on sunderland, Roy Keane and Niall Quinn. They seem to have transported the mackems from the North East of England to somewhere near County Mayo. I'd joked in the past about the mackems being full of Irish Manure rejects, but I was bewildered to see that the Irish seem to have taken them to their hearts. I'm starting to wonder when they will actually alter the strip from red and white to green and white... I'd bet that might be a safe option for an away strip (after all they won't be needing a European strip will they?)

So, as I flew back (via a spectacular thunderstorm at Manchester airport - gulp) I started to think about the power of the brand of football in general and the Premier League in particular.

A couple of years ago I watched Champions League semi finals in a bar in the Gambia in West Africa. An amazing atmosphere as both games were being shown, on big screens, side by side. So you'd have your eye caught by one game and then something else on another one. I think it was Chelsea v Liverpool and Manure v Roma. At one stage Rooney scored, half the place erupted with excited Gambians cheering for their chosen team - the guy in front of me had a Chelsea shirt on, which as soon as Rooney scored he tugged over his head to reveal a Manure shirt with the number 8 on the back. We laughed and made jokes with him about hedging his bets.

But all these examples show the way in which football spans countries and continents, its not just who owns the clubs, the nationality of the player that attract people to the game. Its the universal power of the brand that attracts people to the game. So the Dublin taxi driver as well as the barman in Banjul all ask "Will Keegan actually win anything for Newcastle?" The honest answer is probably not, but at least I was able to tell the taxi driver that we had finished above the mackems in the league for the longest time.

BTW - the picture above is James Joyce... I haven't read the Dubliners since I did my degree - this last week has encouraged me to re-read...

Prophetic

2008-06-21T10:16:00.003+01:00

Ok - I'm not claiming any special insight, any level of clarivoyancy or insider dealing... But what on earth is going on with the fixture list for the Premier League? If I can predict that on Boxing Day Newcastle will be playing Wigan or Bolton away... and it comes true, then there certainly is a rabbit off somewhere. I always thought that there was supposed to be a level of randomness about the fixtures - another myth blown away by the TV needs. Don't get me wrong, I live in the North West and the relative ease of getting to a Boxing Day at Wigan (as has happened this year) is fine with me, its the predictable nature of it that bothers me.

The season "curtain raiser" (© Sky TV) is at Manure... Oh well we'll have the same amount of points after that game as we had before... I wonder if we can manager to have a goal difference of less than minus 5 after that game. At least it looks like we'll be able to gently comment on the loss of Riverdance to Madrid... Some comfort at least